all I am.

[bare with me. it's gonna be longgggg.]

This week has probably been one of the hardest weeks of my life EVER. Forget that. The past 20 days have probably been the hardest, most stressful, 20 day of my entire life. [I'm almost 15.]

but, through these 20 days, my love for Jesus has grown so much stronger.
my faith in Him has become more evident.
and I have been learning just how sweet it is to trust in Jesus.
all I am is His. 

On Monday, April 2nd, my Dad sat my sisters & me down to tell us my Dad had an interview with Seminole ISD. My parents promised us we wouldn't be moving. If my Dad was offered the job, he would drive 40 miles from Lamesa everyday. Everything would still be 'normal.'

yeah.... okay. Normal??? sure.

Last semester, the possibility of moving had crossed my mind & I struggled with the idea, but ultimately, I gave it to God.
his will.
his way.

I didn't freak out though because it was just an interview. I did however, ask a good friend, a good brother in Christ, to pray for us. to pray for God's will. I am thankful that he has been praying.


Other than praying, I didn't really think about the issue. I was distracted at almost all times. You see, I've had two school competitions I was preparing for at the beginning of April.
State FCCLA. & State Community Problem Solving.
I prayed for God to have His way. & that was that.
I didn't really worry about the possibility of my Dad getting the job... or the possibility of moving.
That is, until after State weekend. [both competitions were the same weekend.]


I got back late Saturday, April 14th. My Dad went as a sponsor on the trip, & I'd overheard him talking about being offered the job. I confided in the same friend who has been praying, that Sunday. Then Monday night, my parents told us he had been offered a job & Seminole was offering my Mom a job as well.


hmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... that's when the fear kicked in. the fear of the possibility of moving.
 that's when the hardest week EVER began.

I've lived in Lamesa since I was 6 weeks old. I love this little town. This is home. 
I have my whole high school career planned out here. I knew the classes I was going to take every year. I had goals set in all of the extracurricular activities I'm in. I've been working really hard to become valedictorian of Lamesa's Class of 2015 as well. [I've been brainstorming speech ideas since 7th grade.] As for after high school, God could do what He wants... but I guess I've always considered high school being in my own hands, not His.
I have so many wants & desires here:
-FCCLA officer [Seminole doesn't have a FCCLA chapter.]
-CmPS internationals all 4 years [Seminole doesn't have a CmPS team]
-Student Council class president all 4 years [I won't be able to be in StuCo next year]
-paint the wall before I graduate my senior year [a Tornado tradition]
-family [I'm lucky to be so close to my extended family]
 -friends [I have some of the best friends in the world]
the list goes on & on.
Every time I surrender one of these desire to God, a new want pops into my head.

The hardest desire, the desire I long for the most, the desire I've extremely struggled with giving to God:
his people.
my church family.
my youth group.
It's been rough. I love them SOOO dearly & have grown so much with them. I've been going to FBC Lamesa since I was a little girl. those people, his people, make me smile. I'm so blessed with them. & to give up my youth group? to give my youth group away??
the. absolute. hardest. thing. I've. ever. done. 

but, I've done it. I've have handed over my biggest desire to God.
& in return? I have peace. I have joy. I am content.

Now that's not to say I don't still think about moving. If I'm completely honest, I have felt every single emotion possible this week, at the same time.
upset/ terribly sad/ bummed/ anxious/ nervous/ stressed/ desire/ disappointed/ confused/ weak/ frustrated/ excited/ happy/ love.
every emotion except: mad/ hate. Oddly, neither have interfered with this divine romance.
Though alot of tears have been shed this week, & alot more tears are to come, I trust in Jesus. I know His plan is much better than even a portion of my own. I don't know why He does all the things He does, but I love Him anyway.
He is peaceful.
He is joyful.
He is trustworthy.
He is forgiving.
He is understanding.
He is full of love.
He is my everything.
I give Him every want. every desire. I belong to Him.

I trust in Jesus with all my heart.
I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the maker of Heaven.
I acknowledge Him, always.
He makes my path straight.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6

Jesus,
please continue to teach me how to follow You. please continue to teach me how to trust You. please continue to teach me how to acknowledge You. please continue to teach me how to lean not on my own understanding. please use me. all i am is Yours. i give You everything. to You i belong. God, I surrender all that i am for Your glory, Your honor, Your fame. all i am is Yours.
-me.

Everything I do is for His glory, His honor, His fame. I trust in His perfect divine plan. I am second. All I am is Jesus'.
forever. always.
my heart is His.
my soul is His.
I belong to my beautiful King.
all i am is Jesus'.

 [check out this song. it's great. this is my pray.]
All I Am by Phil Wickham