Wednesdays: relearning to love.

ever since i found out i was moving, any day of the week involving church has been hard. when i found out i was moving, i began to almost dread Wednesday nights, Sunday mornings, Sunday nights... you get the idea. it seemed like every time i walking in the church building all kinds of emotions just jumbled up & wanted out.
why?? because youth, Sunday school, small groups, etc. are some of my absolute favorite things in the world. i love the people, but even more, i love the God the people come to worship & talk about.
since i've moved & my family has become members of a new church, going to church has still been a bit hard. especially Wednesday night youth.

i've really been on a roller coaster with God since the middle of June. this divine romance has been very frustrating at times. there are days where being passionate about Jesus is pretty much the last thing on my mind. i know the hard times in our lives are what usually end up bringing God the most glory, but sometimes life is just plain tough & i don't necessarily like it always.

i have expressed much of my frustration to friends & goodness are their responses always so encouraging. a while ago, when i was explaining how different youth was since i've moved and how it had been really hard for me to plug in & enjoy it, a good friend simply said, "Well, I guess you'll just have to relearn to love Wednesdays." & BOOM. that was exactly what i needed to do. [btw, i can promise you that this particular friend of mine has Jesus just oozing out of him. God commonly uses his wisdom to speak to me.] so i have been working my way through this process, but it can still be frustrating.
i have just wanted to give up quite often.
i sure do wish i would've realized 'giving up' was the key.

i am continuously giving things over to God, but i am also continuously taking things back.
i have had to come to the point where giving up is my only option, and it's a very good thing.
my heart also hasn't been sincere with Jesus in a while.

so again, two weeks ago, i was texting a friend pretty much ranting about Wednesdays and my relationship with God. i asked for some scripture and he said to look at Joel 2:11. i opened my Bible up and read that verse. by that point i was bursting in tears. TOTAL GOD MOMENT. then i kept reading through verse 14.

Joel 2:11-14a
"...The day of the Lord is great; it is dreadful. Who can endure it? 'Even now,' declares the Lord, 'return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning. Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing--...'"

after reading this, the ugly tears from my sobs just ran down.
at that moment, i gave up. i finally came to my breaking point.
i can honestly say i have become broken for the Lord. & goodness my messy life has slowly been turning back into a beautiful little mess.

so tonight, [Wednesday], i went to youth in Lamesa. it was great. i just laughed and laughed with wonderful people. worship was absolutely amazing for me. honestly, it was probably the first time i have felt the presence of God and sincerely worshipped Him in a long time. i just stood there thinking, "I love Jesus!" and "Gosh, God. I love you." it sounds terrible but i haven't sincerely told God i loved Him since this Summer. i can't even begin to tell you how beautiful my "gracious and compassionate, and slow to anger and abounding in love" Jesus is.

i have to tell you my favorite part of the night though. before worship & after all the laughter, i found my a sweet, sweet friend, Sharayah, in a room alone listening music & praying. she was just spending time with God. i opening the door and went & sat down next to her on the ground. we simply sat there and talked about our lives, all the while with music playing over us in the background. she is such a dear friend with such a sweet and loving heart. i told her about pretty much everything in this blog [and more]. she replied with some of the kindest, and loving compliments. Shay has been such a beautiful encouragement and blessing to me. just sitting there talking to her about our struggles with God and the amazingness of Christ, made worship afterwards so much for real for me.

i am so thankful for friends like the ones i have mentioned. but more so, i am so thankful for a gracious, compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love God. he is constantly guiding me & restoring me with His amazing love. i am beginning to fall 'back' in love with Jesus. i am beginning to restore this divine romance.

you know, recently, i've begun to relearn how to love...even Wednesdays.
& that makes me fall in love with Jesus all the more.

broken hearts. no words. restoring love.

I'm finding myself at a loss of words and the funny thing is, it's okay.

I've honestly tried to write this blog about 3 times throughout the past few weeks, but I just haven't been able to put anything into words lately. [shocker. i know.] 

Word of God Speak by MercyMe began playing on pandora a few minutes ago, and now i have a few words, kinda.

to be completely honest, i've just been really exhausted lately. i've had some really good days & i've had some really hard days. some days, i just really don't feel drawn to the Lord and that's probably the reason i've been at a loss for words. some days, i just question God on everything. & other days are good & i spend my moments with a thankful heart. 

some days, i feel broken. 

but most days, i see others broken.

When i'm broken, it all turns out okay because i know i can trust in Jesus to restore me with His love.

but when i see others broken... it breaks my heart into a million tiny little pieces. 

since i've moved, one of the things God has shown me the most is that He answers ALL prayers in some way. before this realization, i prayed a lot about God breaking my heart for what breaks His. i didn't really take that prayer very seriously, but now... now i do.

i see people hurting. i see people struggling. i see people with hard hearts, and my heart breaks for them. i know this is because God is an answerer of prayers. i take praying a lot more seriously now than i did a few months ago. i pray for people in the hallways, in the car on a busy street, facebookers & tweeters. [i even began to pray for a lady on a t.v. show the other day only to be reminded that the character wasn't real.] 

simply put, my heart has been breaking for the broken and it leaves me at a loss of words. the words i do come up with though, are often turned into heartbreaking prayers. 

seeing other ache can sting.

& some days, i just can't take the heart break.

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters..." -Isaish 55:1

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28

i am so thankful for a listening God who answers prayers. i am so thankful for a promising God who provides rest. i am so thankful for a loving God who constantly restores. i am so thankful for an understanding God who knows everything on my heart even when i have no words. 

i am so thankful for the awe in God's saving grace and restoring love.

though i sometimes wish the path to Jesus didn't include brokenness, i'm so thankful God continuously hugs my heart tightly and fixes everything. sometimes, the Lord leaves me so speechless.

...I'm finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is, it's okay.