even still

The past four months have been up and down, messy and wild for this Divine Romance.

I've struggled. Oh my heart, have I struggled.

I've doubted the goodness who is the Lord far too many times and begged for forgiveness an infinite amount of times over what I deserve yet Jesus loves me even still.

even still.

I've questioned God and all He is enough times for me and the next person and amazingly He doesn't get annoyed or 'shoo' me away. He is patient with my soul. He takes me by hand and whispers melodious tunes of grace in my little ears. His faithfulness appears all around me and directly in front of my unbelieving eyes. I ask for Him to prove Himself to me again and again and He gently wraps me up in His comforting arms and reminds me of time after time where He was with me. He is faithful and has never left me alone.

He is there, always.

He is in the moments of laughter and joy.

He is in the valleys of despair.

He is in the sleepless nights full of tears.

He is in the weeks full of busyness and anxiety.

He is in the heartbreaks and fear.

He is in my weary, doubtful heart.

He is here. ALWAYS.

He never leaves, and believe me, He easily could.

The Creator of wonders billions of miles away and all things glorious adores me enough to stick around and wipe away my tears. To pick me up and dust the sinner I am off. To continuously redeem my messy soul. He loves me even still.

Even through the piles of mistakes and mishaps.

Even through the jumbled up screams mixed with streams of salt water.

Even through my darkest moments and my deepest struggles.

Yes, He loves me even still.

It's hard to imagine an unconditional, never forsaking, love like Christ's in a society like ours, but it is real, and abundantly so at that.

"At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleaures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by His grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life." -Titus 3:3-7

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:35-39

Even still in the midst of my doubts and cries, His love endures forever.

winter.

I've never been too fond of the cold. I try, really I do, but I just can't bring myself to embrace below freezing temperatures in gigantic marshmellow coats. People always seem so thrilled for Winter; for the cold. I've never been able to figure it out. I don't like the cold. I can't, and I don't really want to.

I love Spring. Maybe it's just because I'm a May baby, but I believe there is more to it. I love the smell of flowers and trees beginning to revive themselves. I love the sound of birds chirping and singing melodious tunes. I love that God is so evident to me in the months of Spring.

Summer is splendid as well, though I'm not really a fanatic for the lack of clothing or the heat waves, I do enjoy the relaxation that comes along with Summer. The sound of kids outside laughing as they chase each other on bicycles reminds me of my own childhood. It's peaceful- Summer.

Autumn is just so breathtaking. The beauty behind nature shedding itself and ultimately dying is something I'll never understand, but I still love the months of harvest and being gently tapped on the head by a falling leave.

And winter? It's cold and harshly depresses me. 

There are no chirping birds, just annoying flies who somehow survived the first freeze. There are no flowers or colorful leaves. There is nothing. The tree branches are bare and it's hard to remember that nature will come alive again in a few short months. Since west Texas is my home, I have never even had much snow to look forward to.

I think that's part of my hatred. 

Spring has flowers.

Summer has warmth and sunshine.

Autumn has colorful flying leaves.

Winter is supposed to have snow, but not where I'm from.

My grandparents live in the mountains of New Mexico and I've always enjoyed visiting in the Winter months because everything is overflowed with snow and icicles. Mountaineers thoroughly enjoy all Winter has to offer because they receive the full effect of crystal white snow and smoke rising from chimneys.  Yes, I think I might not have such a problem with the cold if everything was a picture perfect wonderland. But, it's not such a happy carol for me.

I'm always cold. I didn't used to be, but now you'll almost always find me with a jacket on, snuggled under a blanket, or shivering in my room being heated by a portable heater. Also, the natural highlights of my hair fade in the Winter and while it might not seem like a big deal to you, it really does make me sad. Winter does not help any of this. And don't even get me started on how the sun sets at 6:00PM on a good night during these dark months. 

And then there's that stupid, stupid groundhog who comes out in February annually and I never could handle that day as a child. People make such a big deal about one critter's shadow and I was always utterly disappointed when the despicable creature declared more Winter. 

I don't know who decided Jesus was born in December, but I'm so glad they did because the cheer of the Christmas season is one of the only things that helps my soul stay warm throughout the cold months.

My relationship with The Lord seems to darken every Winter. The stress and frenziness of the season doesn't do any good for this little heart of mine. 

I say that half heartedly though. I know very well that Winter always seems to be the time of the year Jesus draws me towards Himself even in the midst of the chaos and tears. I learn so much about the deepest parts of myself during the season and God reveals so much more about His character and who He is to me during these frozen months. He is good. My dislike for how I may or may not feel during Winter makes no comparison to my appreciation and love for His never ceasing compassion and mercies. {James 5:11}

I'm so thankful for a God who created diverse seasons that appeal to different individuals of His people. I am grateful to have not only the physical season of Spring to look forward to, but also the Spring of life and joy and all things merry inside my heart, throughout my personal months of Winter. Jesus continuously lavishes all He is into my life and regardless of the sunshine or lack thereof, I will praise Him.

In the meadows of Spring, in the desperate valleys of Winter, and every season in between,

"I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth." 

-Psalm 57:9-11

May peace be with you in every season you encounter throughout your own walk of faith.

much love,

Sarah