I don't know what happened. I can't pinpoint the trigger or the exact date, but I've changed.
One of my favorite things about myself for several years in the making has been my ability to love people and love them well. Getting to know people, building relationships, and sincerely loving people has come natural to me. I've always found sharing my heart openly and widely quite simple- whether that be in a conversation with a friend, during a small group Bible study, or through writing. But that's changed.
I've become scared. I'm scared to reveal my sins and struggles and joys with others. I overthink my comments and words. I tried to write a blog post the other day and I stopped half way through because I was afraid I wasn't making sense and my words weren't transparent enough.
I saved the post as a draft and noticed I'd done the same thing with another post back in June. My final Super Summer (a Christian leadership camp I've gone to the past six years) came to an end and Jesus had taught me so much about salvation in five short days. I wrote about God pricking at my heart when I wasn't genuinely excited for people coming to know Him as their Savior. I painted a picture explaining why salvation was worth being celebrated and how joyful I was to be so sweetly reminding of this truth. As I read back through the unpublished blog, I was moved by my own words. Then the paragraphs abruptly ended. My words stopped and I wish I could make the excuse of "I must have gotten busy or had to go somewhere and then forgot to finish it," but I clearly remember sitting in my room and sending the post to a draft because "No one cares about what happened at camp. This isn't worth writing and sharing," stained my mind.
I have become unwilling to be vulnerable with anyone other than Jesus Himself, and if I keep wrapping my heart up inside bubble wrap in a double sealed cardboard box marked "FRAGILE," with no address written on top, I will stop sharing my sins and struggles and joys even with Jesus, the one who saved me from myself.
I helped with FBC Idalou's Disciple Now this past weekend. I co-led sixteen high school freshmen girls with another girl who rocked at being a leader (I took lots of mental notes). She said all of the right things at the right time and I am positive I learned more from her than any of those precious 9th graders did. She was vulnerable. She shared experience and struggles during discussion. And I didn't.
When I got back to Abilene on Sunday afternoon and finished unpacking, I laid down on my dorm room mattress and was texting some friends about dinner plans. It sounds like such a silly problem, but I wanted to go with one group of girls and with the group I had actually been invited with. My thoughts became like a math equation and I haven't been in a math class for two years. I told myself I didn't think I could be friends with different groups because it would take too long to get to know so many people. I quickly decided taking longer and becoming friends with several people would be worth it later on. Then I thought about those dumb, old TAKS test questions that said something like:
"If Bob leaves his house at 5:00 going 5mph and lives ten miles away from school and Jill leaves her house at 5:15 going 10mph and lives five miles away from the school, who will get there first?"
Seriously. I began to compare loving people and building relationships with a formula.
"Loving people is not a math equation."
Jesus always pricks at my heart so gently, yet in a way I can't ignore, avoid, or make excuses.
I don't know when I started trying to love people with an agenda of making friends, but that's not how Jesus loves me. That's not how I am called to love others as a follower of Christ. If I have learned anything in these eighteen years about love, it's that loving people is simply being
vulnerable
and genuine
and intentional.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." -1 Corinthians 13:4-7
The love Jesus offers each of us is undeniably incredible.
One of my favorite stories of Jesus is found in Luke 7:36-50. I've believe I've shared this passage before in a post a few years ago, but it's so relevant to my heart again today.
"When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, 'If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is -- that she is a sinner.'
Jesus answered him, 'Simon, I have something to tell you.'
'Tell me, teacher,' he said.
Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?'
Simon replied, 'I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.'
'You have judged correctly,' Jesus said.
Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, 'Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven -- for she loved much. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.'
Jesus said to the woman, 'Your faith has saved you; go in peace.'"
I have read this short story so many times and I always learn something new. Today, I relate to the pharisee who can't completely grasp this love and forgiveness Jesus talks about, but I also relate to the sinful woman. I am so desperate to wash the feet of Jesus with my tears. I am so desperately in need of a Savior and a God who patiently teaches me how to love Him and His people well.
And I am grateful for forgiveness when I forget to love people without an agenda and openly share life.
I don't think I can sleep on it one night and wake up more vulnerable and sincere, but I am praying for Jesus to help me be more like Him.
I don't want my days to add up to a life similar to an unpublished blog post. I want Jesus to mold my heart to mirror His.
Above my bed hangs a sky blue canvas that reads "SHE LOVED MUCH" in red letters. I don't want that to just be a cute decoration I made on a summer afternoon. I want that to be an accurate description of me.
Vulnerable, genuine, intentional, and exceptional at loving people because, thanks be to God, Jesus first loved me.
