This past year of my life has been one for the books and probably the best one yet and while that sounds so cliche because favoring the most recent year is usually a norm, it is the truth.
I got back from a mission trip to Washington D.C. a few days ago and had some time to reminisce on the week and on my junior year of high school as a whole. Looking back, I am so in awe of God's faithfulness and hand in each aspect of my life and those around me.
It started on a mission trip I took last July to Madrid, Spain. I remember staying awake later than the girls I was rooming with on one particular night and in pitch black with my face smashed to the pillow, far past being on the verge of tears, asking God to test my faith. I also clearly remember begging God to not let me struggle with doubt because, honestly, I didn't know if I was strong enough to handle it. Oh, silly little heart of mine.
God answered that request with a gentle "no," and doubt came knocking. To be clear, I never questioned God's existence or sovereignty, I just had spouts of doubting God's promises and if I could actually trust Him. The first semester of this past year was very good for so many of my friendships, but at the time, seemed quite terrible for my relationship with the Creator of the Universe. During this time though, I really learned so much about what faith truly is that I wouldn't have learned otherwise.
One passage of scipture that brought me to tears almost every time I read it throughout those months was Matthew 14:22-32: Jesus Walks On Water. The part that always got to me was Jesus's response after Peter asked to come out on the water.
(vs 29) "'Come,' He said."
I asked for my faith to be challenged and Jesus simply said, "Come."
Once Peter is out on the water he is doing fine until he sees the wind.
Until I face the doubt.
Peter then cries out asking the Lord to save him.
(vs 31) "Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him, 'Oh, you of little faith,' He said, 'why did you doubt?'"
That verse stings. Why did I doubt that my Savior would choose now to become unfaithful when all He has ever been is loving, merciful, and gracious to me? Oh, silly little heart of mine.
The greatest part of the story, however, is that it doesn't end in verse 31. In verse 32 we see that after Peter doubted, he was able to worship Jesus and declared, "'Truly You are the Son of God.'"
I am so thankful that our lives don't end in verse 31. After my little spouts of doubt, I have become more trusting and able to worship and wholeheartedly believe in God. Towards the end of my personal season of doubt, and new season began to occur.
I continued to grow and was allowed to relish in God's grace and begin to grasp how undeserving we are, but at the same time, how much God desires for us to accept His glorious gift. I went through a large majority of the second semester learning more about what grace truly is and while I cannot ever fully grasp the concept of grace, I know so much more now that I once did.
"But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions-- it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages He might show the incomparable riches of His graces, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast."
-Ephesians 2:4-9
This season of increasing knowledge of, and gratitude for, grace continued throughout the majority of the second semester, but towards the end of the school year and beginning of summer, through His grace, I started to experience peace and then an overwhelming joy along side that peace.
I've experience glimpses of peace and joy but never as incredibly and as strong as I have in the past few weeks and months. This joy that I recognize to only come from the Lord continued throughout the week I spent with my Seminole youth group in D.C. One night, before I went to sleep, I found myself flipping through my Bible's index looking for verses that mentioned joy. The 55th chapter of Isaiah was amongst those verses. (The first part of the chapter is pretty popular, so if have a second go refresh your memory on it.)
"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands."
-Isaiah 55:12
I asked a friend of mine to read the chapter to see what she thought, and it was so sweet of her to point out that verse 12 doesn't say "you might go out in joy" or "you can go out in joy," but "you will." What a beautiful image!
This joy that has absolutely consumed me is so uncorrelated with the world and all of the heartbreak that comes from this earth and even all of the happiness that is only temporary. The joy that has consumed my soul over this past season of my life is evidently that of the Lord and the mere thought that our God cherishes His creation so much that He would gladly share His jubilance with us is more than enough to take my breath away. It gives me such a peace to know that nothing can shake this joy from my heart because it comes from an eternal source who abounds in joy and love and grace and faithfulness and showers us with these gifts every moment and then some.
This past year is not at all what I would have excepted or planned for myself, but in hindsight, it has been so much better than anything my little mind could have dreamed up. God is faithful. His grace is so sweet. His joy is eternal. And throughout every season of my life- no matter how exhilarating or heart-wrenching, I will choose to follow the King who created me and knows everything.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens...
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 11-12
