all I am.

[bare with me. it's gonna be longgggg.]

This week has probably been one of the hardest weeks of my life EVER. Forget that. The past 20 days have probably been the hardest, most stressful, 20 day of my entire life. [I'm almost 15.]

but, through these 20 days, my love for Jesus has grown so much stronger.
my faith in Him has become more evident.
and I have been learning just how sweet it is to trust in Jesus.
all I am is His. 

On Monday, April 2nd, my Dad sat my sisters & me down to tell us my Dad had an interview with Seminole ISD. My parents promised us we wouldn't be moving. If my Dad was offered the job, he would drive 40 miles from Lamesa everyday. Everything would still be 'normal.'

yeah.... okay. Normal??? sure.

Last semester, the possibility of moving had crossed my mind & I struggled with the idea, but ultimately, I gave it to God.
his will.
his way.

I didn't freak out though because it was just an interview. I did however, ask a good friend, a good brother in Christ, to pray for us. to pray for God's will. I am thankful that he has been praying.


Other than praying, I didn't really think about the issue. I was distracted at almost all times. You see, I've had two school competitions I was preparing for at the beginning of April.
State FCCLA. & State Community Problem Solving.
I prayed for God to have His way. & that was that.
I didn't really worry about the possibility of my Dad getting the job... or the possibility of moving.
That is, until after State weekend. [both competitions were the same weekend.]


I got back late Saturday, April 14th. My Dad went as a sponsor on the trip, & I'd overheard him talking about being offered the job. I confided in the same friend who has been praying, that Sunday. Then Monday night, my parents told us he had been offered a job & Seminole was offering my Mom a job as well.


hmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... that's when the fear kicked in. the fear of the possibility of moving.
 that's when the hardest week EVER began.

I've lived in Lamesa since I was 6 weeks old. I love this little town. This is home. 
I have my whole high school career planned out here. I knew the classes I was going to take every year. I had goals set in all of the extracurricular activities I'm in. I've been working really hard to become valedictorian of Lamesa's Class of 2015 as well. [I've been brainstorming speech ideas since 7th grade.] As for after high school, God could do what He wants... but I guess I've always considered high school being in my own hands, not His.
I have so many wants & desires here:
-FCCLA officer [Seminole doesn't have a FCCLA chapter.]
-CmPS internationals all 4 years [Seminole doesn't have a CmPS team]
-Student Council class president all 4 years [I won't be able to be in StuCo next year]
-paint the wall before I graduate my senior year [a Tornado tradition]
-family [I'm lucky to be so close to my extended family]
 -friends [I have some of the best friends in the world]
the list goes on & on.
Every time I surrender one of these desire to God, a new want pops into my head.

The hardest desire, the desire I long for the most, the desire I've extremely struggled with giving to God:
his people.
my church family.
my youth group.
It's been rough. I love them SOOO dearly & have grown so much with them. I've been going to FBC Lamesa since I was a little girl. those people, his people, make me smile. I'm so blessed with them. & to give up my youth group? to give my youth group away??
the. absolute. hardest. thing. I've. ever. done. 

but, I've done it. I've have handed over my biggest desire to God.
& in return? I have peace. I have joy. I am content.

Now that's not to say I don't still think about moving. If I'm completely honest, I have felt every single emotion possible this week, at the same time.
upset/ terribly sad/ bummed/ anxious/ nervous/ stressed/ desire/ disappointed/ confused/ weak/ frustrated/ excited/ happy/ love.
every emotion except: mad/ hate. Oddly, neither have interfered with this divine romance.
Though alot of tears have been shed this week, & alot more tears are to come, I trust in Jesus. I know His plan is much better than even a portion of my own. I don't know why He does all the things He does, but I love Him anyway.
He is peaceful.
He is joyful.
He is trustworthy.
He is forgiving.
He is understanding.
He is full of love.
He is my everything.
I give Him every want. every desire. I belong to Him.

I trust in Jesus with all my heart.
I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the maker of Heaven.
I acknowledge Him, always.
He makes my path straight.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." -Proverbs 3:5-6

Jesus,
please continue to teach me how to follow You. please continue to teach me how to trust You. please continue to teach me how to acknowledge You. please continue to teach me how to lean not on my own understanding. please use me. all i am is Yours. i give You everything. to You i belong. God, I surrender all that i am for Your glory, Your honor, Your fame. all i am is Yours.
-me.

Everything I do is for His glory, His honor, His fame. I trust in His perfect divine plan. I am second. All I am is Jesus'.
forever. always.
my heart is His.
my soul is His.
I belong to my beautiful King.
all i am is Jesus'.

 [check out this song. it's great. this is my pray.]
All I Am by Phil Wickham

Psalm 42

"As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirst for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night,
while men say to me all day long,
'Where is your God?'
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God.
...
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise Him,
my Savior and my God."

-Psalm 42:1-5 &11

Bless the Lord, O my Soul & let all that is within me shine out.

Jesus,
have your way in me. teach me how to follow you. use me to glorify you. all I am is yours.

-something beautiful.

I couldn't help but wake up anything but joyful this morning, which is a good thing considering there was a bug on my pillow before I went to sleep last night. :P

Easter. The celebration of our Savior rising from the grave after being tortured to death.
after being crucified.
Jesus is risen.
HE IS ALIVE!

This past weekend I went through and read the stories that lead up to Easter in the 4 gospels. [Matthew, Mark, Luke & John]
It was a really neat experience.
a really hard experience.
reading about the person you are most fond of, the person you love the most in the whole world, being murdered. being slaughtered. becoming the ultimate sacrifice for everything I've ever done wrong. for everything I will ever do wrong. for everything everyone has & will ever do wrong. every sin.
it's tough.
especially knowing that my King humbled Himself like no other simply because He loves us. because He loves me.
the only person that should never have to humble Himself before anyone & He did.
now that's humbling. now that's true love.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...
Sweetest name I know.
Fills my every longing.
Keeps me singing as I go.

Today, my church's pastor read the account of Jesus' death & resurrection out of Luke. [Luke 23:44-49; 24:1-6, to be exact]
This is a summary of what he talked about:
Making the Cross Beautiful
-The cross, in its original form was ugly. anything but beautiful.
-The day Jesus died, no one saw a wonderful cross. No one saw a beautiful cross.
They looked at a weapon. They looked upon an ugly broken tree.
-But Jesus transformed the cross in something beautiful. Something Christians everywhere use as a symbol.
-Just as God transformed the cross, He wants to change you into something beautiful.
The whole service this morning, a large wooden cross laid on the stage. Towards the end, every single person got the chance to make the cross beautiful by placing carnations in it. [I wish I had a picture. It was definitely something beautiful.]
I couldn't help but smile as the service faded to a close. It was just great.

Christ is risen from the dead, trampling over death by death, come awake, come awake, come and rise up from the grave. & oh death, where is your sting? oh hell, where is your victory? oh church, come stand in the light. Our God is not dead. He's alive. He's alive!

Last night I read Galatians 2:20.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

This life I live is not my own, but my Creator's who I will freely serve everyday of my life.
with every breath I breathe.
I give Him my all.

I give it all to you, God. Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me.

I am so thankful that my partner in this divine romance gave up His spirit and died a sinner's death, & then rose again, for us. for me. I love Him dearly. He is something beautiful.

& with Jesus living my life for me, I know it will truly be something beautiful.

embracing Jesus.

Will Reagan and The United Pursuit
Live at The Banks House
I bought this album this past weekend because a good friend had suggested it & shared a few songs with me.
It's LEGIT. Amazing in ever which way. The absolute BEST. album. EVERRR. Literally!
Every song, [there are 11] is a continuation of the previous one and the whole 71 minutes is filled with praise directed towards Jesus. It is very peaceful. It makes me want to embrace Jesus forever. It makes my heart extremely happy every time I listen to it. [that's been about 17 times] I just love it! :) Worship is beautiful. Jesus is beautiful.

One of my very good friends who was my sister at Super Summer in red and blue school, e-mailed me the other day. [she is the sweetest, humblest, most Christ-like, loving, and beautiful girl] She talked about how lately she had just felt this burning desire for Jesus and was so in awe of Him. It made my day, because since about the end of February, I've felt the exact same way. :) God is good... so good.

I am so in love with Him. There is no one else for me.
I am so in love with Him. There is no one else for me.
I am so in love with Him. There is no one else for me.

My desire is to spend time embracing Jesus, our oh so lovely King. I want Him to be completely evident in my life. I don't want people to be able to deny my love for Him. I pray that He can use me to bring himself glory through everything I do. everything.

"He must become greater; I must become less." -John 3:30

 I am nothing without Christ. nothing. All I am is His.
God made me. & He loves me more than I could ever love Him.
I am so honored to have the opportunity to serve such a wonderful Creator. such a wonderful Savior.
I gladly will take the background so He can be lifted up higher & higher & higher.

I have this desire to set the whole world on fire. On fire for Jesus Christ.
I look forward to the day where I can sit at Jesus' beautiful feet and constantly embrace Him, forever.

embracing Jesus. What a beautiful picture...

I am so in love with you, God. There is no one else for me...