Dear Sarah,
You don't have much to complain about in life at the moment.
You catch yourself smiling all of the time and that makes your grin grow wider.
Classes seem easy. You like your professors and grades are high [and hopefully going to stay that way].
You love your new friends and can't believe you doubted any potential friendships a couple months ago. Goodness gracious, they make you laugh and I know how much you love being in a room immersed in laughter.
You love the genuine fervor of your new church and being a part of a beautiful community of people who love the Lord so deeply.
You are excited to get involved in YoungLife(s) and the other day were blown away to the point of tears because you are so in awe of what Jesus is doing and inviting you to be a part of.
You are abundantly grateful for your family back home because you have realized not everyone has kind, mega supportive parents [who send you Children's books and pray for you] and sisters who argue over washing dumb dishes, but scream laughter a minute later.
You have so much visible joy and you sleep easy at night.
God is so evident in answering prayers you've been praying for at least a year right now and you can't fathom His goodness.
But it won't always be that way and I think you know that.
Sometimes it's hard to be joyful, but I want to remind you of the "good times" because in retrospect, you wouldn't recognize [or appreciate] God's faithfulness presently without the bad mixed in too.
Keep studying hard. Keep investing in new friendships and loving people through Jesus. Be a faithful member of The Well and keep trying to get to know your church family. Be steadfast in YoungLife(s) and don't be discouraged when you find your heart weary. Keep being thankful for your family and friends back home [and tell them you love them dearly, regularly]. Strive to be joyful even when you cry yourself to sleep at night.
And keep trusting in the Lord [and obeying Him] because He is great and kind and oh so faithful even when you can't pinpoint His work- that is of utmost importance and remembrance.
//and here are some good pieces of scripture to keep wrapped around your heart:
"If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot disown Himself."
-2 Timothy 2:13
"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
-1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
rooting for ya,
An old pal
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Monday, October 5, 2015
an unpublished blog post
I don't know what happened. I can't pinpoint the trigger or the exact date, but I've changed.
One of my favorite things about myself for several years in the making has been my ability to love people and love them well. Getting to know people, building relationships, and sincerely loving people has come natural to me. I've always found sharing my heart openly and widely quite simple- whether that be in a conversation with a friend, during a small group Bible study, or through writing. But that's changed.
I've become scared. I'm scared to reveal my sins and struggles and joys with others. I overthink my comments and words. I tried to write a blog post the other day and I stopped half way through because I was afraid I wasn't making sense and my words weren't transparent enough.
I saved the post as a draft and noticed I'd done the same thing with another post back in June. My final Super Summer (a Christian leadership camp I've gone to the past six years) came to an end and Jesus had taught me so much about salvation in five short days. I wrote about God pricking at my heart when I wasn't genuinely excited for people coming to know Him as their Savior. I painted a picture explaining why salvation was worth being celebrated and how joyful I was to be so sweetly reminding of this truth. As I read back through the unpublished blog, I was moved by my own words. Then the paragraphs abruptly ended. My words stopped and I wish I could make the excuse of "I must have gotten busy or had to go somewhere and then forgot to finish it," but I clearly remember sitting in my room and sending the post to a draft because "No one cares about what happened at camp. This isn't worth writing and sharing," stained my mind.
I have become unwilling to be vulnerable with anyone other than Jesus Himself, and if I keep wrapping my heart up inside bubble wrap in a double sealed cardboard box marked "FRAGILE," with no address written on top, I will stop sharing my sins and struggles and joys even with Jesus, the one who saved me from myself.
I helped with FBC Idalou's Disciple Now this past weekend. I co-led sixteen high school freshmen girls with another girl who rocked at being a leader (I took lots of mental notes). She said all of the right things at the right time and I am positive I learned more from her than any of those precious 9th graders did. She was vulnerable. She shared experience and struggles during discussion. And I didn't.
When I got back to Abilene on Sunday afternoon and finished unpacking, I laid down on my dorm room mattress and was texting some friends about dinner plans. It sounds like such a silly problem, but I wanted to go with one group of girls and with the group I had actually been invited with. My thoughts became like a math equation and I haven't been in a math class for two years. I told myself I didn't think I could be friends with different groups because it would take too long to get to know so many people. I quickly decided taking longer and becoming friends with several people would be worth it later on. Then I thought about those dumb, old TAKS test questions that said something like:
"If Bob leaves his house at 5:00 going 5mph and lives ten miles away from school and Jill leaves her house at 5:15 going 10mph and lives five miles away from the school, who will get there first?"
Seriously. I began to compare loving people and building relationships with a formula.
"Loving people is not a math equation."
Jesus always pricks at my heart so gently, yet in a way I can't ignore, avoid, or make excuses.
I don't know when I started trying to love people with an agenda of making friends, but that's not how Jesus loves me. That's not how I am called to love others as a follower of Christ. If I have learned anything in these eighteen years about love, it's that loving people is simply being
vulnerable
and genuine
and intentional.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." -1 Corinthians 13:4-7
The love Jesus offers each of us is undeniably incredible.
One of my favorite stories of Jesus is found in Luke 7:36-50. I've believe I've shared this passage before in a post a few years ago, but it's so relevant to my heart again today.
"When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, 'If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is -- that she is a sinner.'
Jesus answered him, 'Simon, I have something to tell you.'
'Tell me, teacher,' he said.
Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?'
Simon replied, 'I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.'
'You have judged correctly,' Jesus said.
Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, 'Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven -- for she loved much. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.'
Jesus said to the woman, 'Your faith has saved you; go in peace.'"
I have read this short story so many times and I always learn something new. Today, I relate to the pharisee who can't completely grasp this love and forgiveness Jesus talks about, but I also relate to the sinful woman. I am so desperate to wash the feet of Jesus with my tears. I am so desperately in need of a Savior and a God who patiently teaches me how to love Him and His people well.
And I am grateful for forgiveness when I forget to love people without an agenda and openly share life.
I don't think I can sleep on it one night and wake up more vulnerable and sincere, but I am praying for Jesus to help me be more like Him.
I don't want my days to add up to a life similar to an unpublished blog post. I want Jesus to mold my heart to mirror His.
Above my bed hangs a sky blue canvas that reads "SHE LOVED MUCH" in red letters. I don't want that to just be a cute decoration I made on a summer afternoon. I want that to be an accurate description of me.
Vulnerable, genuine, intentional, and exceptional at loving people because, thanks be to God, Jesus first loved me.
One of my favorite things about myself for several years in the making has been my ability to love people and love them well. Getting to know people, building relationships, and sincerely loving people has come natural to me. I've always found sharing my heart openly and widely quite simple- whether that be in a conversation with a friend, during a small group Bible study, or through writing. But that's changed.
I've become scared. I'm scared to reveal my sins and struggles and joys with others. I overthink my comments and words. I tried to write a blog post the other day and I stopped half way through because I was afraid I wasn't making sense and my words weren't transparent enough.
I saved the post as a draft and noticed I'd done the same thing with another post back in June. My final Super Summer (a Christian leadership camp I've gone to the past six years) came to an end and Jesus had taught me so much about salvation in five short days. I wrote about God pricking at my heart when I wasn't genuinely excited for people coming to know Him as their Savior. I painted a picture explaining why salvation was worth being celebrated and how joyful I was to be so sweetly reminding of this truth. As I read back through the unpublished blog, I was moved by my own words. Then the paragraphs abruptly ended. My words stopped and I wish I could make the excuse of "I must have gotten busy or had to go somewhere and then forgot to finish it," but I clearly remember sitting in my room and sending the post to a draft because "No one cares about what happened at camp. This isn't worth writing and sharing," stained my mind.
I have become unwilling to be vulnerable with anyone other than Jesus Himself, and if I keep wrapping my heart up inside bubble wrap in a double sealed cardboard box marked "FRAGILE," with no address written on top, I will stop sharing my sins and struggles and joys even with Jesus, the one who saved me from myself.
I helped with FBC Idalou's Disciple Now this past weekend. I co-led sixteen high school freshmen girls with another girl who rocked at being a leader (I took lots of mental notes). She said all of the right things at the right time and I am positive I learned more from her than any of those precious 9th graders did. She was vulnerable. She shared experience and struggles during discussion. And I didn't.
When I got back to Abilene on Sunday afternoon and finished unpacking, I laid down on my dorm room mattress and was texting some friends about dinner plans. It sounds like such a silly problem, but I wanted to go with one group of girls and with the group I had actually been invited with. My thoughts became like a math equation and I haven't been in a math class for two years. I told myself I didn't think I could be friends with different groups because it would take too long to get to know so many people. I quickly decided taking longer and becoming friends with several people would be worth it later on. Then I thought about those dumb, old TAKS test questions that said something like:
"If Bob leaves his house at 5:00 going 5mph and lives ten miles away from school and Jill leaves her house at 5:15 going 10mph and lives five miles away from the school, who will get there first?"
Seriously. I began to compare loving people and building relationships with a formula.
"Loving people is not a math equation."
Jesus always pricks at my heart so gently, yet in a way I can't ignore, avoid, or make excuses.
I don't know when I started trying to love people with an agenda of making friends, but that's not how Jesus loves me. That's not how I am called to love others as a follower of Christ. If I have learned anything in these eighteen years about love, it's that loving people is simply being
vulnerable
and genuine
and intentional.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." -1 Corinthians 13:4-7
The love Jesus offers each of us is undeniably incredible.
One of my favorite stories of Jesus is found in Luke 7:36-50. I've believe I've shared this passage before in a post a few years ago, but it's so relevant to my heart again today.
"When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, 'If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is -- that she is a sinner.'
Jesus answered him, 'Simon, I have something to tell you.'
'Tell me, teacher,' he said.
Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?'
Simon replied, 'I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.'
'You have judged correctly,' Jesus said.
Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, 'Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven -- for she loved much. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.'
Jesus said to the woman, 'Your faith has saved you; go in peace.'"
I have read this short story so many times and I always learn something new. Today, I relate to the pharisee who can't completely grasp this love and forgiveness Jesus talks about, but I also relate to the sinful woman. I am so desperate to wash the feet of Jesus with my tears. I am so desperately in need of a Savior and a God who patiently teaches me how to love Him and His people well.
And I am grateful for forgiveness when I forget to love people without an agenda and openly share life.
I don't think I can sleep on it one night and wake up more vulnerable and sincere, but I am praying for Jesus to help me be more like Him.
I don't want my days to add up to a life similar to an unpublished blog post. I want Jesus to mold my heart to mirror His.
Above my bed hangs a sky blue canvas that reads "SHE LOVED MUCH" in red letters. I don't want that to just be a cute decoration I made on a summer afternoon. I want that to be an accurate description of me.
Vulnerable, genuine, intentional, and exceptional at loving people because, thanks be to God, Jesus first loved me.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
4.23.15
With a mere 36 days left until graduation, time is sparse. It seems my eyes are never wide enough due to lack of sleep and the rest of my life is rapidly being unravelled into this rush of chaos and confused emotions.
I turn 18 in about a week. I'll be a legal adult who can vote for our nation's future leaders, buy sharpies, and probably do a whole lot of other things I don't know about and that's terrifying. I go to register for COLLEGE classes at Hardin-Simmons the day before my birthday. Did you catch that? College? Me? What? About 78.6% of the time I don't think I am ready. I can't even go through the drive-thru at the local bank without making a fool of myself, but I'm supposed to juggle college and adult-like things without my parents by my side in a few short months and if I'm not careful, the worry will eat me alive.
There is also the missing-people-factor. Since I moved forty miles down the road almost three years ago, missing friends has been one of my deepest struggles and to know I'm about to move off and miss even more people is, simply put, depressing. I know I'll make more (hopefully super kind, loving, and patient) friends in Abilene, but it seems that my life is turning out to be a never ending cycle of making friends, moving, missing old friends, making new friends, moving again, and missing even more old friends. I fear that my heart won't be able to handle loving and missing THAT many people THAT deeply all the time.
Needless to say, I am a living wreck who overthinks and worries a little too much. I'm scared to death of failure, not really in careers, but in my friendships and dreams. The past few months have been filled with many late nights wondering what's to come and how I'll handle it.
I can't handle it though. I get exhausted just thinking about a scholarship application and a concurrent sociology quiz that needs to be turned in. I can't even do senior year with grace and dignity alone so there is no way I can maintain good grades and build healthy friendships while living in a dorm on a lousy mattress without some help.
It's only fitting for the only genuine comfort and solid peace I have found this past semester to come from the Lord. Jesus is so good at calming my petty fears and patiently teaching me to trust Him.
It's neat to know the same guy who dined with tax collectors and healed the lame and blind is constantly sustaining me and showing me His faithfulness and abundance of love. He is a good God and I don't know what I would do in my future without Him present.
"Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." -Psalm 62:8
"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings... Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."
-Hebrews 10:22-23
I'm not sure what's ahead, and I still am not fully convinced I'm ready, but I'm confident in Christ and giddy for the growth and adventure to come.
(side note: If you've read this through, would you please pray for Jesus to continue to teach me to love people regardless of potential heartaches from hurt feelings or solely missing them. That would mean the world. Thank you!)
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
-Romans 15:13
Friday, January 2, 2015
preparing for the second mile
I have been a bit of a mess the past couple of months. To cut the story short, one thing led to another, feelings got hurt, and I was left crying on my bedroom floor asking Jesus why He would let me feel so sad and empty when it came to my friendships.
I've never really been one to get my feelings hurt easily. Sure, I can get pretty flustered at times, but up until the past few months, there aren't a whole lot of memories I can recall of getting over-the-edge upset about another person's actions and words, or in some cases, the lack thereof.
As you can imagine, getting wound up over the silliest of situations for reasons I still cannot explain made matters worse and left me even more frustrated with myself and with God.
I'd like to tell you that I opened my Bible to a random page and the answer was there underlined in highlighter with a note jotted down off to the side and all, but it wasn't. So I just cried into my pillow a lot one morning at 2AM and then prayed a lot too. I prayed for the people that I felt I had been hurt by (which is a whole lot easier said than done, might I add), and I prayed for my own heart. I asked Jesus for peace and guidance on how to be Christlike and how to forgive through grace. After that, I kind of just tried to forget about my problems.
The thing is, Satan is real. And he is really good at making things seem worse than they are and cooking up things like "No one likes you anymore." or "You don't really have any friends and you can't really trust anyone." in my little mind and He's also pretty great at making those lies sound reasonable and believable. Needless to say, the problem didn't go away and hasn't gone away and probably won't ever really go away because no matter how much I would sometimes like to be, I am not in control of others' actions.
I am, however, in control of my own actions and decisions and how I choose to react in this situation makes all the difference.
The past few days, I have found myself reading through either different parables Jesus told or passages of Jesus doing some pretty cool things.
One thing I have realized is that Jesus was betrayed by one of the twelve men that was closest to Him during His time on Earth- Judas. What gets me is the fact that Jesus knew throughout the entire course of His ministry that Judas would end up selling Him over to be crucified, but He still chose Judas as a disciple and equally invested in and shared life with him.
I have also realized that so often in my own life, I am Judas. I walk around soaking up all Jesus has to offer and then I get a little weary and worn and become willing to hand my Savior over for a few pieces of silver. Yet He loves me even still. Jesus spends a great amount of time pouring into this Divine Romance and is faithful throughout all of my struggles and doubts; failures and triumphs. He loves me when I am awake at dreadful hours sobbing my eyes out over something so silly, but also something that has consumed my heart with pain. And when I feel as if I haven't a true friend in the world, Jesus is right there ready to listen, comfort, and forgive me for thinking I could make it on my own.
Because of Jesus's great faithfulness and the love He has so openly expressed in my life these past couple of months, I am able to choose forgiveness and grace. I am able to love those who have hurt me because He first loved me.
Today I choose to be real, raw, open, and vulnerable no matter what the backlash might be. Today I choose to be kind and gracious.
Today I choose to love.
I understand that all of this is a whole lot easier to type than it is to act on, but I'm praying that God will patiently teach me every day to be more like Him- slow to anger and abounding in love.
Oh, I've got a lot to learn, but I've got my messy life packed up and this little heart of mine is eager to be taught.
"You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."
-Matthew 5:38-42
My shoes are laced and tied up tight and today I choose to not just go the one mile, but the second as well.
"This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us."
-1 John 4:10-12
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