lately.

I've just felt really anxious lately.

I don't mean anxious in a good way, but more in a bitter tone.

It's been about two and a half months since I last really blogged and don't get me wrong, the last couple of months have been great! So great, actually! I've made a lot of really good memories, and have overall been extremely happy.

It's a strange, joyous feeling when you realize Jesus is all you need. His love completely satisfies me, yet at the same time I just can get enough. I want MORE of Him.

It's only been about the past week that I have begun feeling so anxious. It seems that I am trying to find other things to feel my time. Things that make me look like I'm playing the role of a "good Christian," but in my heart I'm not genuinely loving Jesus.

I guess maybe I've been a lot like Martha lately and not enough like Mary.
You probably know the story of these two sisters well. It can be found in Luke 10:38-42.
[If not, go read it really quickly.]

In verse 38, we see that it is Martha who originally opens up her home to Jesus and his disciples, not Mary. And when you continue reading, it is Martha who makes the preparations for Jesus and his disciples, not Mary. At a glance, Martha seems like a woman with a true servant's heart. She wants everything to be perfect for Jesus. But, Martha becomes distracted by her work and forgets what is more important- spending time with her Lord.
Mary, on the other hand, as we see in verse 39, "sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he had said." Martha became frustrated because Mary wasn't helping her.
In verse 41 and 42, Jesus responds to Martha by saying, "You are worried and upset about many things, but ONLY ONE THING IS NEEDED. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Woah. In the end, it's more important to know Jesus and spend time with Him. Serving The Lord is great and is a calling of Christ followers, but if your heart isn't in the right place then your time spent serving and loving is a waste. Only one thing is needed and that is to know and be known by God.

Paul says it best in Galatians 4:9.
"But now that you know God- or rather are known by God- how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?"

Again, Woah. If I, as a Christian, believe I am truly known by the creator of the universe, then why in the world would I want to turn back to my old ways?
I know I don't understand even a portion of how our sovereign Lord works, but I do trust Him. Honestly, it's days especially like today when I'm acting like a Martha, that being a Mary sounds so much more enjoyable and ultimately, it sounds freeing to my spirit.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." -Galatians 5:1

Sitting at the feet of the Lord sounds inviting and peaceful. That's exactly what Jesus has promised us, peace and freedom.

I've just felt really anxious lately, BUT thankfully Jesus pursues me through this anxiety and loves me endlessly. He is so good, so gracious.

Only one thing is needed.
Only Jesus is needed.

"...Peace to all of you who are in Christ." -1 Peter 5:14

cherished.

{I recently wrote an essay in my English class about walking in someone else's shoes and I thought I would share it on my blog because I really enjoyed writing it!! I hope you like it!}

broken and beautiful.

They were ratty and worn, but had once been sturdy. They had rubber soles and thick, brown, frayed fabric straps. They were muddy, torn remnants of shoes. They were filthy, broken sandals, but they were all I had and I treasured them as I slipped them on.

People say not to wear your heart on your sleeve. Because of experience, I don’t. But, I do wake up on cold concrete every morning wearing my soul on my blistered black feet.

A wealthy white woman had once approached me and asked my name. When I had shyly whispered, “Rota,” she spit out the lie, “Rota, you are cherished.” She obviously didn’t know my birth name was not Rota; rather it was my new name. Rota meant broken in Spanish, and as I frequently told the Spanish speaking dwellers, “Yo soy Rota.” I am broken. I am the definition of poverty. I am helpless. I am lonely. I am desperate. I am worn. I am not cherished. I am homeless and I am Rota.

I wasn’t always a broken soul. I hadn’t always treasured a pair of ugly shoes. In the month of April, nineteen years ago, as a naïve seventeen-year-old, I had had a very promising future. UCLA’s Department of Music had come to hear me sing with my choir. I had been so joyful then. I wasn’t rich, but I had had my health, my family, and my happiness. I had been so blessed. As I walked down the concrete so many people called a mission field, and so many others called home, I wondered for the millionth time, “What have I done to deserve this? WHAT?”

Absolutely nothing.

I had been offered a full scholarship on that warm April evening. I had never expected that exactly one year later my dad would die suddenly in one of the many LA car crashes, and my mom would force me to drop out with only a month left of high school, causing me to forfeit my scholarship to UCLA. My heart had been truly wrung for the first time that April of 1992. I went in to a gas station for an interview the week following the surreal funeral.

I worked at that disgusting gas station for nearly fifteen years before new management decided to let me go as if I were no big loss. I had no one and nothing to fall back on. I had had a husband…but he left after the two miscarriages. My mom had slipped away to insanity and shortly after, to death. Those fifteen years had been full of burden, but now I had no occupation, no family, and when the bills came, no home. The once joyful life I lived was continuously being broken and ripped apart by the silent stream of tears.

I found my way to Skid Row after a month of searching for and never finding a new job. Exhausted of repeated rejection, I had given up. I’ve reluctantly called this place home for four dreadful years. Everyday I walk the cracked concrete, hating it more.

Today, and everyday of this hopeless eternity, I wear the same modest red shirt with the same long denim skirt, the same greasy, knotted hair, the same dirty black skin, and my overused, but treasured, brown sandals.

I dwell amongst the murderers, the thieves, the drug dealers, and the addicts. I have become acquainted with some of the most heartless beings and have slightly befriended some of the most compassionate souls.

I have two slabs of concrete to my name and I take great care of my pathetic home. Every dreary morning, I carefully reach into my cardboard boxes of possessions and pull out a small dusty hand broom. Wealthy strangers curiously stare at me when they speed by in their vehicles. Dwellers glare through me to my humble pride and weary soul. Though I fell apart long ago, my home remains intact.

The thieves never dare threaten my belongings because I have talents they can use. They know I can read considerably well which is rare in this territory of Los Angeles, a skill that comes in handy often. Though the dwellers don’t know I had almost gone to a college because of my voice, they do know I can sing. They find great pleasure in my voice every Wednesday during the couple of hours spent at the Skid Row Karaoke building. Something about music makes the homeless forget their sorrows for a short time and gleefully laugh, some clapping along while others dance in the provided chairs. The thieves will do whatever it takes to keep the beauty of my voice around for those evenings, even if it means denying themselves a few of my prized possessions.

The sun seemed to move extraordinarily slow on this particular Wednesday, but soon enough it began to settle into the layers of smog as I made the weekly walk to gift my fellow dwellers with my voice; once again asking for nothing in return.  As each note flew off my tongue, I firmly thought, “I do not deserve to be in this place. I have done absolutely nothing to deserve this hopeless eternity.”

Absolutely nothing.

My glance caught her eyes as I finished that thought. I’d seen that shirt before and her face was frighteningly familiar. The wealthy white woman had returned after all this time.

She gestured for me to come sit with her. I don’t know why, but I accepted the offer.

“I’m so sincerely glad to see you, Rota.”  The lady spoke softly and kindly. “You never let me introduce myself when we first met. My name is Audra, and Rota, my friend, you are cherished.”

You. Are. Cherished.

Her words had a different ring to my ears this time. I wanted to know why she had remembered my name. Why had she made a point to share these three words with me once again?

Audra continued to gently speak, “I have something for you, Rota.”

She pulled out a little book from her purse and flipped open to a page.

“Rota, I would like to read something to you, if that’s alright.”

I was shocked at the tone of care in her voice.

“Umm. Audra…? I,” I cleared my throat. “I… I can read.”

She politely smiled, placed the precious little book in my hands, and pointed to a sentence.

Clearing my throat again, I read, “’The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord.’”

“Psalm 45:11,” Audra whispered. “Rota, you are cherished.”

I was ratty and worn, but had once had a sturdy life. I was broken. I was the definition of poverty. I was helpless. I was lonely. I was desperate. I was worn. But I was cherished.

Before Audra left me that late Wednesday evening, she shared one last thought with me. 
“Rota, I think you should change your name. Rota y bella would do you a greater justice. You are broken, but you are cherished. You are broken, but you are beautiful.”

I took her words into high consideration, and the next day as I slipped on my treasured shoes, I found a marker and wrote cherished on one sole and Rota y bella on the other.

I am broken and I am beautiful.

Yo soy rota y yo soy bella. 

yearning.

goodness, the faithfulness of Jesus overwhelms me.
He continues to pursue me in this Divine Romance and I am just so humbled to serve such a lovely King.

"My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God." -Psalm 84:2

Praise the one who has saved me from death. You are God. You are good. You are Jesus. Yeshua, I love You. Teach me, oh Jesus teach me. Set a fire down in my soul that I can't contain, that I can't control. I'm satisfied to hear you say, "You're my child." But my heart yearns for more of You, God. I want MORE of You, God... Reveal Yourself to me. Yeshua, I love You.

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" -1 John 3:1

something about Grace...

"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." -Jonah 2:8

when I read through Jonah this past weekend & came across this verse, all I could think was, "dang."
That sentence got to me and has been running through my mind a lot the past few days.

here it is again:
"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." -Jonah 2:8

I don't know about you, but for me these words sting and leave me in a pondering state.
To be quite honest, I can't fully grasp the grace of God. There is just something about Jesus and how He loves His creation so deeply that He chose to die for our sins, that leaves me speechless. There is just something about Jesus and how He is continuously filling our lives & souls up with His incredible grace that leaves me in wonder.

"The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus." -1 Timothy 1:14

what blessed children of God are we to be covered in the Lord's grace?

So then, going back to Jonah 2:8, my question is why would anyone willingly choose to forfeit the grace of God? How do you even begin to forfeit grace?

"...cling to worthless idols..."

Well, I don't bow down to statues, I don't even really obsess over celebrities.
I wrote a blog a while back focusing on the song Clear The Stage by Jimmy Needham. I mainly focused on the chorus saying "worship is more than a song." But this weekend as I read Jonah, I had Clear The Stage on repeat & different lyrics stood out to me.

"We must not worship something that's not even worth it. Clear the stage and make some space for the one who deserves it.
Anything I put before my God is an idol. Anything I want with all my heart is an idol. And anything I can't stop thinking of is an idol. Anything I give all my love is an idol."

All of a sudden idols aren't just big statues and popular celebrities. All of a sudden idols become much more than that. All of a sudden, I'm convicted of idolatry. Thank God for His unending grace flooding through my life.
While many of us are clinging to idols, my attention is drawn to Romans 12:9.

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good."

I can assure you that JESUS IS GOOD. Draw close to His heart & cling ever so tightly to the King.

"for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through His redemption that came by Christ Jesus." -Romans 3:23-24

the truth found in this hymn humbles me:
"amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I'm found. Was blind, but now I see."

We, little bitty humans, are rescued by the grace of Christ. We are redeemed by the grace of Christ. I fail Jesus daily, yet He continues to pursue this little heart of mine. Oh how He loves us.

"...if grace is an ocean then we're all sinking..."

Jesus,
I ask You reveal a little more of Your grace to me as You continue to teach me to live this life for You. Teach me to cling tightly to You, for You are the one true definition of good. I love You.
-me.

"Grace to all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with an undying love." -Ephesians 6:24

sense God.

Today I woke up to silence with the sun shining through my blinds & I was in an incredibly good mood.
After a few minutes of just laying there, I decided to flip open my Bible and read through a few random Psalms. I read quite a few this morning, but one in particular was Psalm 34. [you should go read it really quickly. it's one of my favs]
I've read through this chapter many times, it's marked up in pink highlighter and light blue pen in my Bible. This morning though, I read through these verses not thinking much about their lovely truth and then moved on to a different chapter. Little did I know, that God was going to humble me greatly with these verses in just a few short hours.
Early this afternoon, my family went to Lamesa to watch a movie. I drove the 40 miles with my family silently doing different things in the back seat.
For those of you that know me, you know that I think WAY too much & driving always gives my brain an opportunity to think even more! haha I'm quite the scatter brain, so I don't know I ended up back on the subject of Psalm 34, but God kept my mind wandering over those words. Especially verse 8.

"Taste and see the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him."

I was stuck on taste and see.
Taste and see?? Why did David, a wise man, choose to use the words, "Taste and see The Lord is good..."?
I guess David simply wanted to make the point that you can sense God's goodness through every little thing.

And then of course, I kept thinking. How exactly do I sense God?!
There are 5 senses: seeing, tasting, hearing, smelling, and feeling.
Well if you can "taste and see" that God is good then you can sense that He is good with other things too.

I HEAR the sound of wind, giggles, instrumental music, singing, crying, clapping, conversations, and laughter. All of these tend to remind me that Jesus is good.
I SMELL candles and perfumes, but I also smell flowers and rain. Those tend to remind me that Jesus is good.
I FEEL different surfaces, a person's shirt when I hug, people's hand during a high-five. But I also FEEL different things in my heart. Emotions of happiness, awe, love, compassion, and peace and am reminded that Jesus is good.
I TASTE mainly just different foods. Some of which taste reallyyyy good! haha But God provides me with nutrition daily. I taste and am reminded, Jesus is good.
I SEE people living life, nature, pictures & paintings, sunsets & sunrises, smiles, and wonderful suprises. All of these things remind me that Jesus is good.

I'm humbled that The Lord created these five senses ultimately to endlessly remind His children that JESUS IS GOOD.

Romans 1:20 says,
"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."

For a long time I wondered how God could possibly think humans could simply KNOW there is a God who loves us and created us to love Him in return. I think I get it now though.

we humans can sense God because with all of His goodness, He has allowed us to sense Him.
So go ahead,
hear, smell, feel, taste, and see.
Jesus, and all He is, is good.


Jesus,
-teach me to continuously sense Your presence, Lord.
I see you face in every sunrise. The colors of the morning are inside Your eyes. The world awakens in the light of the day and I look up to the sky and say, You're beautiful. Yes, you Lord are good & you Lord, are beautiful. I love You. Oh I dearly love You.

the worries of Winter & the flowers of Spring.

"...I walk to the meadow and stare at the flowers better dressed than any girl on her wedding day. So why do I worry? Why do I freak out? God knows what I need. You know what I need. Your love is, Your love is, Your love is strong ... Two things you told me That you are strong And you love me. Yes, You love me..."
-Jon Foreman

my soul has weary and worrisome Winter days here and there. those days always end up reminding me of Jesus' love and grace. my soul also has days filled with the flowers of Spring. those days also always remind me of Jesus' love and grace, but in a different way. it's neat how God works. i'm in awe of His wonder. i'm satisfied with the greatness of The Lord. my soul is overwhelmed with this marvelous God of the sweetest, strongest love.

"One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard:
that You, O God, are strong,
And that You, O God, are loving." -Psalm 62:11-12a

restful days.

today I am thankful for rest. today I am thankful for restful days.

so often in this life, I find myself in a place of stress and worry. I find myself tired and weary.
so often in this life, I find myself straying away from the feet of Jesus and becoming less & less focused on all He is, on all He does.
so often in this life, I find myself forgetting the peace Jesus provides. I find myself denying the rest only the Lord can give.

today I am thankful for sweet promises spoken by Jesus.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28

such a simple, yet beautiful promise. "...and I will give you rest."
I can't get over that phrase.

my heart is overwhelmed and satisfied by the peace I find in the rest provided by the Lord.

Psalm 62:1says, "Truly my soul find rest in God; my salvation comes from him."

today I am thankful for a God who breaks through the sorrows of this world and provides rest.
and gives salvation.
and pours out love.