diving in deep.

what I haven't mentioned in my past few blogs is that Will Reagan & the United Pursuit recently came out with the new album, Endless Years.
[It. is. golden. and. I. loveeee. it. :D]

my favorite song on the album is probably "Give Me A Song," [you definitely need to look it up].
one of the lines in the song says,

"...sink or swim, I'm diving in to the passion of Your heart where love starts..."

this little phrase stands out to me every time I listen to the song, which is quite a bit. throughout the past year, I've developed this little image about my relationship with Jesus. I've got to tell a little story for it to make sense though.
so on the block where I lived for eleven years up until this Summer, there is a yard with almost solid concrete. for some reason this yard always got the best rain puddles after a thunderstorm. my sisters & I, along with all the neighborhood kids, used to ride our bikes as fast as we could through the water. but, we also would set down our bikes, take off our shoes, roll up our pants, & splash and dance around in these glorious rain puddles.

I picture my relationship with Jesus like this. it all started by dancing in the rain puddles. it all started by making a mess and splashing around in this glorious divine romance.

what you probably don't know is I have also spent the last eleven years of my life living across the street from the public pool. [there was never a quite Summer day, if you were wondering.]
so here my friends & I were splashing around in these rain puddles across the street from a giant public pool never once even acknowledging the irony.

I picture my relationship with Jesus like this. I continuously splash around in rain puddles of faith not acknowledging the fact that i could be diving into deep waters right across the street.

I have this image in my head of a little girl splashing around in rain puddles on a dull cloudy day.
I also have this image in my head of a little girl diving into this pool ungracefully. that's right. as ungraceful as possible this little girl dives into the deep end of a pool and immediately gets soaked in this freezing cold water & still chooses to get out and repeat this anything but pretty, dive.
over & over & over, she does this.

I picture my relationship with Jesus like this. I ungracefully dive into His loving heart & immediately get soaked up in His glorious passion.  over & over & over, I do this.

but, sometimes I get 'tired.' as much as I hate to say this, sometimes I don't want to dive into Jesus' heart.

I also have this image in my head of water being dumped on this little girl. again, she is immediately soaked, but didn't do anything to be soaked. water was poured on top of her. over & over & over again.

I picture my relationship with Jesus like this. God is constantly, [whether I am diving in or not], pouring His love & forgiveness all over me. over & over & over again.
Jesus is so good to me. Jesus is too good to me.

"...God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit..." -Romans 5:5
"Many waters cannot quench this love; rivers cannot wash it away." -Song of Songs 8:7

Jesus,
give me a song to sing & will sing it to you, oh God. sink or swim, I'm diving into the passion of your heart where love starts.
-ungraceful little me.

beautiful little friendships.

the past two days have been very good for my heart. i spent the majority of the past two days in Lamesa, which was just wonderful. on the forty minute drive home i had time to think, and all i could really think about were my friends. my dear, sweet friends. what lovely blessings each and everyone of my friends are to me.
i think that's been one of the hardest and neatest things about moving. i've begun to realize just how much time and energy you pour into friendships, but i've also realized how worth the time and energy is. plus i've gained new little friendships which aren't near as strong, but i know that even new friendships will turn out beautiful some day.
the past two days, i've gotten to see quite a few 'old' friends. some i expected to see and some were unexpected run-ins at the perfect time. i have enjoyed talking to each one of these friends and basically just being with them.
the past two days, i've also had quite a lot of friends i didn't get to see, but those little friendships are still such a blessing in my life. goodness, friends are so good for the heart.
God has poured all of this love into my life and so much of that love comes from these beautiful little friendships. i've learned so much from my friends. i've learned so much about God and His love from my friends. God has [and continues to]  blessed me with such sweet people in my life. such sweet friends and family. goodness, i love all of these dear people.
so as i sat in the car for forty minutes tonight, i thought about how loved i am. about how blessed i am. about how thankful i am for all God continues to pour over me. He is such a gracious and loving God. He is constantly blowing my mind at all i have to be thankful for.
but, tonight, i am especially thankful for sweet friends.
tonight, i am especially thankful for the blessings i have in all of my beautiful little friendships.

"A friend loves at all times..." -Proverbs 17:17

movies.

I'd say I've seen a fair share of movies in my few years of life, but I recently realized something about myself from watching movies. I always want to watch the beginning then skip to the end. I always want to skip the frustrating parts where everything seems terrible and it's hard to believe the movie will actually end good. I tend to forget that the most frustrating parts of movies make the movie so much better in the end.
I've realized that's how I am in life too. I always want to skip past the hard days. the stressful day. the days i just want to stay in bed and pretend the world is perfect. the days when i have to trust Jesus the most and have faith His plan is perfect. I tend to wish the most frustrating parts of life didn't exist. I tend to forget that the most frustrating parts of life make the end so much better.

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." -Luke 9:23

"and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me." -Matthew 10:38

Sometimes, I find myself wishing verses like these had never been written. maybe because i'm human, imperfect. maybe because then i could claim i didn't know the path to Jesus' feet would be filled with hardship and give up. or maybe because i'm a selfish sinner who doesn't want to go through any bit of bad to get to an amazingly good ending.
I struggle with that. I find myself questioning God and all He does. I'm constantly wanting everything to always be good all the time. for everyone to be happy. for pain to be crushed. Then I'm reminded that God works in people's life through good and bad. God works in my life through good and bad.
He hears every prayer. He feels every tear. He continuously pours out His love on me and because I'm a selfish sinner, I receive Jesus' love and grace and want better. Sometimes, my silly little heart, forgets that God is better than better. God is truer than true. God is gooder than good. [& yes. i meant gooder.] God is everything glorious. God is divine. God is perfect.
and so are all of His plans. as where my plans are flawed, His are flawlessly perfect, glorious and divine.
I've recently been reminded that Jesus has everything in this life under control and I can't even begin to explain how reassuring that is.
I'm done fast-forwarding through the frustrating parts of movies, but more importantly...
I'm done denying the frustrating parts of life.
Instead, I'm choosing to deny myself.
Instead, I'm choosing to take up my cross daily.
Instead, I'm choosing to follow Christ through the good and through the bad, because in the end I know it's beautifully worth it.

Wednesdays: relearning to love.

ever since i found out i was moving, any day of the week involving church has been hard. when i found out i was moving, i began to almost dread Wednesday nights, Sunday mornings, Sunday nights... you get the idea. it seemed like every time i walking in the church building all kinds of emotions just jumbled up & wanted out.
why?? because youth, Sunday school, small groups, etc. are some of my absolute favorite things in the world. i love the people, but even more, i love the God the people come to worship & talk about.
since i've moved & my family has become members of a new church, going to church has still been a bit hard. especially Wednesday night youth.

i've really been on a roller coaster with God since the middle of June. this divine romance has been very frustrating at times. there are days where being passionate about Jesus is pretty much the last thing on my mind. i know the hard times in our lives are what usually end up bringing God the most glory, but sometimes life is just plain tough & i don't necessarily like it always.

i have expressed much of my frustration to friends & goodness are their responses always so encouraging. a while ago, when i was explaining how different youth was since i've moved and how it had been really hard for me to plug in & enjoy it, a good friend simply said, "Well, I guess you'll just have to relearn to love Wednesdays." & BOOM. that was exactly what i needed to do. [btw, i can promise you that this particular friend of mine has Jesus just oozing out of him. God commonly uses his wisdom to speak to me.] so i have been working my way through this process, but it can still be frustrating.
i have just wanted to give up quite often.
i sure do wish i would've realized 'giving up' was the key.

i am continuously giving things over to God, but i am also continuously taking things back.
i have had to come to the point where giving up is my only option, and it's a very good thing.
my heart also hasn't been sincere with Jesus in a while.

so again, two weeks ago, i was texting a friend pretty much ranting about Wednesdays and my relationship with God. i asked for some scripture and he said to look at Joel 2:11. i opened my Bible up and read that verse. by that point i was bursting in tears. TOTAL GOD MOMENT. then i kept reading through verse 14.

Joel 2:11-14a
"...The day of the Lord is great; it is dreadful. Who can endure it? 'Even now,' declares the Lord, 'return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning. Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity. Who knows? He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing--...'"

after reading this, the ugly tears from my sobs just ran down.
at that moment, i gave up. i finally came to my breaking point.
i can honestly say i have become broken for the Lord. & goodness my messy life has slowly been turning back into a beautiful little mess.

so tonight, [Wednesday], i went to youth in Lamesa. it was great. i just laughed and laughed with wonderful people. worship was absolutely amazing for me. honestly, it was probably the first time i have felt the presence of God and sincerely worshipped Him in a long time. i just stood there thinking, "I love Jesus!" and "Gosh, God. I love you." it sounds terrible but i haven't sincerely told God i loved Him since this Summer. i can't even begin to tell you how beautiful my "gracious and compassionate, and slow to anger and abounding in love" Jesus is.

i have to tell you my favorite part of the night though. before worship & after all the laughter, i found my a sweet, sweet friend, Sharayah, in a room alone listening music & praying. she was just spending time with God. i opening the door and went & sat down next to her on the ground. we simply sat there and talked about our lives, all the while with music playing over us in the background. she is such a dear friend with such a sweet and loving heart. i told her about pretty much everything in this blog [and more]. she replied with some of the kindest, and loving compliments. Shay has been such a beautiful encouragement and blessing to me. just sitting there talking to her about our struggles with God and the amazingness of Christ, made worship afterwards so much for real for me.

i am so thankful for friends like the ones i have mentioned. but more so, i am so thankful for a gracious, compassionate, slow to anger, and abounding in love God. he is constantly guiding me & restoring me with His amazing love. i am beginning to fall 'back' in love with Jesus. i am beginning to restore this divine romance.

you know, recently, i've begun to relearn how to love...even Wednesdays.
& that makes me fall in love with Jesus all the more.

broken hearts. no words. restoring love.

I'm finding myself at a loss of words and the funny thing is, it's okay.

I've honestly tried to write this blog about 3 times throughout the past few weeks, but I just haven't been able to put anything into words lately. [shocker. i know.] 

Word of God Speak by MercyMe began playing on pandora a few minutes ago, and now i have a few words, kinda.

to be completely honest, i've just been really exhausted lately. i've had some really good days & i've had some really hard days. some days, i just really don't feel drawn to the Lord and that's probably the reason i've been at a loss for words. some days, i just question God on everything. & other days are good & i spend my moments with a thankful heart. 

some days, i feel broken. 

but most days, i see others broken.

When i'm broken, it all turns out okay because i know i can trust in Jesus to restore me with His love.

but when i see others broken... it breaks my heart into a million tiny little pieces. 

since i've moved, one of the things God has shown me the most is that He answers ALL prayers in some way. before this realization, i prayed a lot about God breaking my heart for what breaks His. i didn't really take that prayer very seriously, but now... now i do.

i see people hurting. i see people struggling. i see people with hard hearts, and my heart breaks for them. i know this is because God is an answerer of prayers. i take praying a lot more seriously now than i did a few months ago. i pray for people in the hallways, in the car on a busy street, facebookers & tweeters. [i even began to pray for a lady on a t.v. show the other day only to be reminded that the character wasn't real.] 

simply put, my heart has been breaking for the broken and it leaves me at a loss of words. the words i do come up with though, are often turned into heartbreaking prayers. 

seeing other ache can sting.

& some days, i just can't take the heart break.

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters..." -Isaish 55:1

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." -Matthew 11:28

i am so thankful for a listening God who answers prayers. i am so thankful for a promising God who provides rest. i am so thankful for a loving God who constantly restores. i am so thankful for an understanding God who knows everything on my heart even when i have no words. 

i am so thankful for the awe in God's saving grace and restoring love.

though i sometimes wish the path to Jesus didn't include brokenness, i'm so thankful God continuously hugs my heart tightly and fixes everything. sometimes, the Lord leaves me so speechless.

...I'm finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is, it's okay.

pouring out His love on me.

i think a human's love develops through time & struggles. i think a human's ability to love grows stronger throughout their life. i don't think the moment a person is born they love anyone to a full extent. in a way, people have to be taught to love.

In the book, Blue Like Jazz, (you should definitely check it out!) Donald Miller puts this take on it. "Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way."

i've grown up watching people love Jesus. at home. at church. at camps. on mission trips. at events. at concerts. on the street. in the hallways. at a lot of different places.
i read this quote on pinterest the other day, "I fall in love with people's passion, the way their eyes light up when they talk about the thing they love & the way they fill with light."

i've watched people love Jesus throughout my short lifetime. i've fallen in love with people's passion. i've unknowingly been taught how to love by numerous amounts of people in my life, and as i sit here, i can't even begin to explain how thankful i am for every person i've ever spoken with, or seen. i know meeting people, befriending people, and loving people is all a part of God's good works.
i've been taught how to love by people, but more than any person, i've been taught to love and be passionate by Jesus.

i can't, & probably won't ever be able to, fathom the complexity of Jesus' simple & beautiful love. i sit here thinking of how absolutely different His love is from mine. i've had to be taught to love, but Jesus has always known how to love. God created love. God is love. Jesus has always been passionate. God created passion. i've become passionate because i've been taught what passion is.

In Help Me Find My Own Flame by Will Reagan, the chorus says, "I don't want to ride on somebody else's passion. I don't want to find that I'm just dry bones. I want to burn with unquenchable fire. Deep down inside, see it coming alive. Help me find my own flame. Help me find my own fire. I want the real thing. I want your burning desire."

I love that song because it's just so true in my life. i don't want to be just dry bones. i want God to help me find my own flame. my own fire. & i do not want to ride on somebody else's passion. i want my own passion. my own real desire for the Lord growing bigger & brighter daily.

i am so thankful i have been able to watch Jesus love & in return love what He loves. & in return be passionate about His passions. & in return have a burning passion for Him. & in return, love Him. Jesus has constantly been pouring out His love & passion on me. i am so thankful i am able to serve a God who didn't have to be taught to do anything but instead graciously teaches me everything.

i'll leave you with this verse that stood out to me last night. (if you have time, go check out the chapter.)

1 Timothy 1:14 says, "The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

cry of my heart.

crying is one of the worst, most beautiful and sincere things there is in the world.

& just to be clear, i'm not talking about about tears like when a baby is born or someone gets married. i'm not even necessarily talking about funeral tears.
i'm talking about a cry that is soundless in between the silent screams. a cry that brings you to your knees. a cry full of sobbing eyes. a cry that makes you pull at your hair. a cry that gets your face all wet. a cry that makes your head hurt. a cry that comes from your heart.

you know, sometimes you just need a good cry. sometimes you happen to be with others. sometimes you might even be with strangers. and other times, you're alone when you need a good cry. alone with Jesus, that is.

So, I've developed this little theory about crying. Out of all age groups, who cries the most?? babies. cute, adorable, we do anything for them, babies. Most cries from a baby are because they need something, and they are breaking down because they realize they must have someone else satisfy this need for them. babies mainly cry because they are dependent on someone else.

After babies are raised up to be independent young people, they rarely cry. Children mainly cry when they have been hurt, are exhausted, or have been through something very rough. The same goes for everyone older than a young child.

i know i cry when i'm hurt, extremely exhausted, or have been through something very rough. sometimes i cry because of all three at the same time.

Jesus cried. Actually, Jesus wept. even a sinless man needed a good cry. That humbles me.

James 4:10 says, "You must get on your knees before the Father, for it is the only way to get on your feet."

i've recently noticed, that when i cry out to Jesus through the screams and shouts, i find myself on my knees. in a place a humility. in a place of surrender. i find myself going back to the basics of being a baby. i find myself realizing i need someone else to satisfy me. when i cry, i find myself becoming more dependent on the Lord. (& how thankful am I that He such an amazing dependable God!!)

when i cry out to Jesus, i find myself falling more in love with my beautiful Creator.

it is so sweet to cry out to Jesus. it is one of the most beautiful, sincere things to do. crying out to a Savior whose love is extravagant and whose grace is enough definitely takes some weight off your shoulders.

Psalm 50:15 says, "and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me."

Calling upon the Lord doesn't sound all that bad, especially when He promises to deliver us.
the cry of my heart is to bring Jesus praise. whether that praise be through loving others, witnessing, singing, dancing, laughing, or even in my lowest valley crying on my knees, i will praise my glorious King.

For you, I sing, I dance.
I rejoice in this divine romance.
Lift my heart, and my hands,
to show my love.
to show my love. 

through the ups and through the downs,
let this chorus forever be the cry of my heart.