1AM, words, and Jesus

I've had messy jumbles of thoughts that I have begun to type up then stopped because I didn't know what direction my words should go in next.

It's hard for me to say that I love to write and that writing comes naturally to me whenever I sit with my thumbs fiddling over my phone lost for words, not able to finish even a mere paragraph of what God has been teaching me. On this early morning, however, I think I've found words worth sharing. Or at the very least, I have some sort of a processed thought that, for my sake, needs typed up.

I read a post a while back on Tumblr and the phrase

"love is deliberate,"

stuck out to me.

{deliberate: done consciously and intentionally}

Love is deliberate.

A deliberate love, a love shown and felt so consciously and intentionally, is something the human heart craves. 

The only being my mind can attach to a love so deliberate is Jesus. 

Jesus deliberately came to live a life on earth amongst sinners who at times were starstruck with Him and at others, shouted hate towards Him at the top of their lungs and nailed Him to a tree. Jesus deliberately took on all of my sins so that I would be able to willingly choose to follow Him and love Him.

Jesus offers a love so deliberate that He not only allows, but welcomes vulnerability.

Vulnerability is something that has been tossed around in my mind a few times these past few months as well.

At youth one Sunday night back in February, the question, "What does Christianity enable us to do?" was asked. A sweet friend of mine answered, 

"Christianity enables us to be vulnerable."

{vulnerable: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded}

I think one of the thinks that makes the Christian faith stick out amongst others is grace, and while grace does unfortunately tend to get covered up with deeds in many modern churches, it is one of the most incredible parts of surrendering every part of your life into the scarred hands of Jesus.

Accepting grace goes against our very nature though. We, as humans, feel we have to pay our own debts and forget that good work over faith is not the way of our Savior. We get so caught up in trying to right our own wrongs that we often forget we serve a God who forgives, and abundantly so at that. Accepting grace is vulnerable and is only possible through the never ceasing, deliberate love of Jesus.

Jesus deliberately and fully loves me so much that He offers grace to even the least of these and openly welcomes vulnerability in His Kingdom. 

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-- it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus." -Ephesians 2:4-7

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." -Ephesians 3:17-19

count yourselves blessed.

Matthew 5:1-12, The Message

even still

The past four months have been up and down, messy and wild for this Divine Romance.

I've struggled. Oh my heart, have I struggled.

I've doubted the goodness who is the Lord far too many times and begged for forgiveness an infinite amount of times over what I deserve yet Jesus loves me even still.

even still.

I've questioned God and all He is enough times for me and the next person and amazingly He doesn't get annoyed or 'shoo' me away. He is patient with my soul. He takes me by hand and whispers melodious tunes of grace in my little ears. His faithfulness appears all around me and directly in front of my unbelieving eyes. I ask for Him to prove Himself to me again and again and He gently wraps me up in His comforting arms and reminds me of time after time where He was with me. He is faithful and has never left me alone.

He is there, always.

He is in the moments of laughter and joy.

He is in the valleys of despair.

He is in the sleepless nights full of tears.

He is in the weeks full of busyness and anxiety.

He is in the heartbreaks and fear.

He is in my weary, doubtful heart.

He is here. ALWAYS.

He never leaves, and believe me, He easily could.

The Creator of wonders billions of miles away and all things glorious adores me enough to stick around and wipe away my tears. To pick me up and dust the sinner I am off. To continuously redeem my messy soul. He loves me even still.

Even through the piles of mistakes and mishaps.

Even through the jumbled up screams mixed with streams of salt water.

Even through my darkest moments and my deepest struggles.

Yes, He loves me even still.

It's hard to imagine an unconditional, never forsaking, love like Christ's in a society like ours, but it is real, and abundantly so at that.

"At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleaures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by His grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life." -Titus 3:3-7

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:35-39

Even still in the midst of my doubts and cries, His love endures forever.

winter.

I've never been too fond of the cold. I try, really I do, but I just can't bring myself to embrace below freezing temperatures in gigantic marshmellow coats. People always seem so thrilled for Winter; for the cold. I've never been able to figure it out. I don't like the cold. I can't, and I don't really want to.

I love Spring. Maybe it's just because I'm a May baby, but I believe there is more to it. I love the smell of flowers and trees beginning to revive themselves. I love the sound of birds chirping and singing melodious tunes. I love that God is so evident to me in the months of Spring.

Summer is splendid as well, though I'm not really a fanatic for the lack of clothing or the heat waves, I do enjoy the relaxation that comes along with Summer. The sound of kids outside laughing as they chase each other on bicycles reminds me of my own childhood. It's peaceful- Summer.

Autumn is just so breathtaking. The beauty behind nature shedding itself and ultimately dying is something I'll never understand, but I still love the months of harvest and being gently tapped on the head by a falling leave.

And winter? It's cold and harshly depresses me. 

There are no chirping birds, just annoying flies who somehow survived the first freeze. There are no flowers or colorful leaves. There is nothing. The tree branches are bare and it's hard to remember that nature will come alive again in a few short months. Since west Texas is my home, I have never even had much snow to look forward to.

I think that's part of my hatred. 

Spring has flowers.

Summer has warmth and sunshine.

Autumn has colorful flying leaves.

Winter is supposed to have snow, but not where I'm from.

My grandparents live in the mountains of New Mexico and I've always enjoyed visiting in the Winter months because everything is overflowed with snow and icicles. Mountaineers thoroughly enjoy all Winter has to offer because they receive the full effect of crystal white snow and smoke rising from chimneys.  Yes, I think I might not have such a problem with the cold if everything was a picture perfect wonderland. But, it's not such a happy carol for me.

I'm always cold. I didn't used to be, but now you'll almost always find me with a jacket on, snuggled under a blanket, or shivering in my room being heated by a portable heater. Also, the natural highlights of my hair fade in the Winter and while it might not seem like a big deal to you, it really does make me sad. Winter does not help any of this. And don't even get me started on how the sun sets at 6:00PM on a good night during these dark months. 

And then there's that stupid, stupid groundhog who comes out in February annually and I never could handle that day as a child. People make such a big deal about one critter's shadow and I was always utterly disappointed when the despicable creature declared more Winter. 

I don't know who decided Jesus was born in December, but I'm so glad they did because the cheer of the Christmas season is one of the only things that helps my soul stay warm throughout the cold months.

My relationship with The Lord seems to darken every Winter. The stress and frenziness of the season doesn't do any good for this little heart of mine. 

I say that half heartedly though. I know very well that Winter always seems to be the time of the year Jesus draws me towards Himself even in the midst of the chaos and tears. I learn so much about the deepest parts of myself during the season and God reveals so much more about His character and who He is to me during these frozen months. He is good. My dislike for how I may or may not feel during Winter makes no comparison to my appreciation and love for His never ceasing compassion and mercies. {James 5:11}

I'm so thankful for a God who created diverse seasons that appeal to different individuals of His people. I am grateful to have not only the physical season of Spring to look forward to, but also the Spring of life and joy and all things merry inside my heart, throughout my personal months of Winter. Jesus continuously lavishes all He is into my life and regardless of the sunshine or lack thereof, I will praise Him.

In the meadows of Spring, in the desperate valleys of Winter, and every season in between,

"I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth." 

-Psalm 57:9-11

May peace be with you in every season you encounter throughout your own walk of faith.

much love,

Sarah 

this I love.

Sometimes I get carried away and so caught up in discipline that I forget the simple joy found in just being known and loved by Christ.

I'll be the first to tell you that I have such a mixed-up, dusty, messy little soul. I'm so lost without Jesus. Today I am thankful to serve a God who knows all of my flaws, yet still chooses to call me His child.

"There is something amazing about someone you care about saying your name, it is truly empowering to know that they know you by your name... How much more to know that Christ, the cosmic king of glory, knows you by your name and calls you daily."

One of my favorite things about reading the gospels is seeing how Jesus related to people. He knew people from head to toe before He spoke one word yet He was still intentional. He knew those people and called them personally by name. Jesus invests in His children. He calls us by name & He knows us.

"But now that you know God—or rather are known by God..." -Galatians 4:9

I think it's such a precious thing to bow before a King who loves His children so much that He takes the time to know them. God takes the time to understand even the dustiest corners of our mixed-up souls. He takes the time to reignite the flame in each of our hearts. Jesus takes the time to call me by name daily. To pursue me & invest His unending love in my life. I love this. I love Him & all He is.

Jesus knows me, this I love...

¡España!

{I've erased and rewritten this blog about my mission trip to Spain too many times to count within the past month. I've just not been able to get the wording quite right or really do any justice to my experience what so ever. I still can't, but here goes anyways-}

On June 29th, I got on a bus with about 50 strangers and headed towards ten days of adventure. On July 1st, I boarded a plane with a few new friends and again, quite a few strangers to a city known as Madrid.

3 days of basecamp.

7 days of Spain.

10 days of incredible adventure for this Divine Romance.

I remember being on the plane frequently looking out the window, having small talk with the man sitting next to me, and anxiously wondering what this next week held.

Half a day later, we found ourselves wandering the city of Madrid with our JSIs [Junior Student Intern], getting used to the metro system [subway], and walking off our jetlag. Sleep was very precious that night. haha

After a morning of worship and studying, the next afternoon each trek set out for their sight. My trek headed to a park in a neighborhood called Lavapíes. I don't believe it was by accident that our sight was named, "Wash Feet." Jesus threw little reminders of Himself like this at me all week.

We spent the afternoon and early evening saturating Lavapíes in prayer and observing the culture. Having the opportunity to constantly lift up Madrid and the people who called it home was so neat.

Each evening, all of the treks would meet back in the hostel for a time of celebration and worship. It was such a sweet sound hearing praise to our King echo off of the walls in the small meeting room and gently escaping through the open window into the darkening sky. One night, the guy leading worship quietly told us a lady in a building behind ours' had turned off her lights to be unnoticed and would stand listening to us on her balcony each time we sang. I remember him saying something like, "She probably doesn't speak English and can't understand us, but lift up Father's love anyways." I can't help but believe that Jesus was drawing that woman to Himself in some way.

The next afternoon, we began our time on sight prayer walking again. One question we were asked was, "Would you be okay if all you did this week was prayer walk?" Answering that question really put our focus on the importance of prayer. 

"Prayer does not equip us for the greater work of God- prayer is the greater work of God." -Oswald Chambers

Our trek did get to witness some answered prayers on our sight. A few of my trek members walked by a small restaurant more than once and saw a woman working, but she had no customers. My trek members prayed for her and asked that she would have customers. Later that day, they walked by again seeing the woman serving quite a few people. The restaurant continued to be have people every time we passed it throughout the week. Seeing this each day was such a blessing.

Another blessing was getting to be taught each morning by a missionary [M] couple from the Middle East and one living in Madrid. I was amazed at how much I learned throughout the week from these people. One thing that stuck out more than most of the rest was when the M from Madrid challenged us towards the end of the week to, "Have enough faith for one person to be saved. Just one person." 

Our trek talked about that during our Bible study time during the afternoon that day. My thoughts kept going back to his challenge all day. That night, before I went to sleep, I read Luke 15. [If you have a second, you should go read it.] This particular chapter contains three similar parables. 

The Parable of the Lost Sheep

The Parable of the Lost Coin

The Parable of the Lost Son [Prodigal Son]

To sum up the point of each story, verse 7 says,

"... there will be more rejoicing in Heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent." 

And there I was listening to Jesus whisper, "Have enough faith for just one person to be saved." Such a sweet moment.

Fast forward to our last day on sight in Madrid. That morning, one of the Ms from the Middle East spoke about preparing to go home. He repeatedly said, "Think globally. Be obedient locally."  He also said something I've heard Jesus say to me so much in the past year since I've moved towns.

"Bloom where you are planted."

I laugh at the fact that I had to fly to another country to not just hear but finally listen to these words. I jotted the common phrase down in my journal and repeated them in my head for the majority of the day. 

"Bloom where you're planted, Sarah. Bloom where you're planted."

As I prayer walked with one of our JSIs and my AC [Adult Chaperone] that afternoon, we talked about our churches and communities and prayed for them. After sitting down for a quick break, we got back up and not knowing this had already been on my heart all day, my AC said to me with a smile on his face, "Bloom where you are planted, Sarah!" 

Like I said earlier, Jesus threw little reminders of Himself at me all week and continues to do so since I've come home.

So here I am, a month and a half later, finally finishing this blog and continuing to learn to bloom where God has planted me. I'm continuing to have faith for that one person, and I'm constantly being reminded of the importance of prayer. 

One exciting thing that has happened since I've come home was finding out two friends of mine will be heading to Madrid, Spain with iGo Global next Summer. I'd actually prayed to know someone going next Summer and hearing that news was such an incredible reminder that Jesus is faithful. I am beyond excited to hear how God's ancient work is continuing in Spain! 

I'm learning that this Divine Romace is an exhilarating adventure; globally and locally. The harvest is plentiful and I'm honored to have the opportunity to share God's love and glory with His people here or there. I'd love to tell each of you every little detail, but I'll spare you unless you ask. Jesus has been so sweet to me and I am ever thankful. 

"I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God's grace given me through the working of his power. Although I am less than the least of all God's people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ, and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages was kept hidden in God, who created all things." -Ephesians 3:7-9

My trek: Zane, Madison, Me, Kayla, 'Moose', Kora, & AC: Matt. Such wonderful people!

A walk to the park in Lavapíes. I really loved this diverse neighborhood!

"And the kingdom will be the Lord's." -Obadiah 1:21

lately.

I've just felt really anxious lately.

I don't mean anxious in a good way, but more in a bitter tone.

It's been about two and a half months since I last really blogged and don't get me wrong, the last couple of months have been great! So great, actually! I've made a lot of really good memories, and have overall been extremely happy.

It's a strange, joyous feeling when you realize Jesus is all you need. His love completely satisfies me, yet at the same time I just can get enough. I want MORE of Him.

It's only been about the past week that I have begun feeling so anxious. It seems that I am trying to find other things to feel my time. Things that make me look like I'm playing the role of a "good Christian," but in my heart I'm not genuinely loving Jesus.

I guess maybe I've been a lot like Martha lately and not enough like Mary.
You probably know the story of these two sisters well. It can be found in Luke 10:38-42.
[If not, go read it really quickly.]

In verse 38, we see that it is Martha who originally opens up her home to Jesus and his disciples, not Mary. And when you continue reading, it is Martha who makes the preparations for Jesus and his disciples, not Mary. At a glance, Martha seems like a woman with a true servant's heart. She wants everything to be perfect for Jesus. But, Martha becomes distracted by her work and forgets what is more important- spending time with her Lord.
Mary, on the other hand, as we see in verse 39, "sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he had said." Martha became frustrated because Mary wasn't helping her.
In verse 41 and 42, Jesus responds to Martha by saying, "You are worried and upset about many things, but ONLY ONE THING IS NEEDED. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

Woah. In the end, it's more important to know Jesus and spend time with Him. Serving The Lord is great and is a calling of Christ followers, but if your heart isn't in the right place then your time spent serving and loving is a waste. Only one thing is needed and that is to know and be known by God.

Paul says it best in Galatians 4:9.
"But now that you know God- or rather are known by God- how is it that you are turning back to those weak and miserable principles? Do you wish to be enslaved by them all over again?"

Again, Woah. If I, as a Christian, believe I am truly known by the creator of the universe, then why in the world would I want to turn back to my old ways?
I know I don't understand even a portion of how our sovereign Lord works, but I do trust Him. Honestly, it's days especially like today when I'm acting like a Martha, that being a Mary sounds so much more enjoyable and ultimately, it sounds freeing to my spirit.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." -Galatians 5:1

Sitting at the feet of the Lord sounds inviting and peaceful. That's exactly what Jesus has promised us, peace and freedom.

I've just felt really anxious lately, BUT thankfully Jesus pursues me through this anxiety and loves me endlessly. He is so good, so gracious.

Only one thing is needed.
Only Jesus is needed.

"...Peace to all of you who are in Christ." -1 Peter 5:14