seasons

This past year of my life has been one for the books and probably the best one yet and while that sounds so cliche because favoring the most recent year is usually a norm, it is the truth.

I got back from a mission trip to Washington D.C. a few days ago and had some time to reminisce on the week and on my junior year of high school as a whole. Looking back, I am so in awe of God's faithfulness and hand in each aspect of my life and those around me.

It started on a mission trip I took last July to Madrid, Spain. I remember staying awake later than the girls I was rooming with on one particular night and in pitch black with my face smashed to the pillow, far past being on the verge of tears, asking God to test my faith. I also clearly remember begging God to not let me struggle with doubt because, honestly, I didn't know if I was strong enough to handle it. Oh, silly little heart of mine.

God answered that request with a gentle "no," and doubt came knocking. To be clear, I never questioned God's existence or sovereignty, I just had spouts of doubting God's promises and if I could actually trust Him. The first semester of this past year was very good for so many of my friendships, but at the time, seemed quite terrible for my relationship with the Creator of the Universe. During this time though, I really learned so much about what faith truly is that I wouldn't have learned otherwise.

One passage of scipture that brought me to tears almost every time I read it throughout those months was Matthew 14:22-32: Jesus Walks On Water. The part that always got to me was Jesus's response after Peter asked to come out on the water.

(vs 29) "'Come,' He said."

I asked for my faith to be challenged and Jesus simply said, "Come."

Once Peter is out on the water he is doing fine until he sees the wind.

Until I face the doubt.

Peter then cries out asking the Lord to save him.

(vs 31) "Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him, 'Oh, you of little faith,' He said, 'why did you doubt?'"

That verse stings. Why did I doubt that my Savior would choose now to become unfaithful when all He has ever been is loving, merciful, and gracious to me? Oh, silly little heart of mine.

The greatest part of the story, however, is that it doesn't end in verse 31. In verse 32 we see that after Peter doubted, he was able to worship Jesus and declared, "'Truly You are the Son of God.'"

I am so thankful that our lives don't end in verse 31. After my little spouts of doubt, I have become more trusting and able to worship and wholeheartedly believe in God. Towards the end of my personal season of doubt, and new season began to occur.

I continued to grow and was allowed to relish in God's grace and begin to grasp how undeserving we are, but at the same time, how much God desires for us to accept His glorious gift. I went through a large majority of the second semester learning more about what grace truly is and while I cannot ever fully grasp the concept of grace, I know so much more now that I once did.

"But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions-- it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with Him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages He might show the incomparable riches of His graces, expressed in His kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast."
-Ephesians 2:4-9

This season of increasing knowledge of, and gratitude for, grace continued throughout the majority of the second semester, but towards the end of the school year and beginning of summer, through His grace, I started to experience peace and then an overwhelming joy along side that peace.

I've experience glimpses of peace and joy but never as incredibly and as strong as I have in the past few weeks and months. This joy that I recognize to only come from the Lord continued throughout the week I spent with my Seminole youth group in D.C. One night, before I went to sleep, I found myself flipping through my Bible's index looking for verses that mentioned joy. The 55th chapter of Isaiah was amongst those verses. (The first part of the chapter is pretty popular, so if have a second go refresh your memory on it.)

"You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands."
-Isaiah 55:12

I asked a friend of mine to read the chapter to see what she thought, and it was so sweet of her to point out that verse 12 doesn't say "you might go out in joy" or "you can go out in joy," but "you will." What a beautiful image!

This joy that has absolutely consumed me is so uncorrelated with the world and all of the heartbreak that comes from this earth and even all of the happiness that is only temporary. The joy that has consumed my soul over this past season of my life is evidently that of the Lord and the mere thought that our God cherishes His creation so much that He would gladly share His jubilance with us is more than enough to take my breath away. It gives me such a peace to know that nothing can shake this joy from my heart because it comes from an eternal source who abounds in joy and love and grace and faithfulness and showers us with these gifts every moment and then some.

This past year is not at all what I would have excepted or planned for myself, but in hindsight, it has been so much better than anything my little mind could have dreamed up. God is faithful. His grace is so sweet. His joy is eternal. And throughout every season of my life- no matter how exhilarating or heart-wrenching, I will choose to follow the King who created me and knows everything.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens...
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 11-12

more than my words will ever say

Today in worship, our music minister shared this little jewel of a poem with us:

If there are words for Him. then I don't have them.
You see, my brain has not yet reached a thought
that could adequately describe the greatness of my God.
And my lungs have not yet developed the ability
to release a breath that could breathe of the greatness of His love.
My voice is so inhibited, restrained by human limits,
it is hard to even sing sufficient praises of Him.
You see, if there are words for Him, then I don't have them.

My God, His grace is remarkable;
His mercies are innumerable;
His strength is impenetrable.
He is audible, accountable, favorable;
He is unsearchable yet knowable;
Indefinable yet approachable;
Indescribable yet personal.
He is beyond comprehension; further than imagination;
constant through generations, King of every nation.
But if there are words for Him, then I don't have them.

You see, my words are few, and to try to capture
the one true God using my vocabulary would never do.
But I use words as an expression,
an expression of worship to a Savior:
A Savior who is both worthy and deserving of my praise,
so I use words.
My heart extols the Lord, blesses His name forever.
He has won my heart,
captured my mind and has bound the bolt together.
He has defeated me in my rebellion,
conquered me in my sin,
He has welcomed me into His presence,
completed abided me in;
Flooding me with mercies in the morning;
Drowning me with grace in the night.
If there are words for Him, then I don't have them.

But what I do have is Good News!
For my God knew that man-made words would never do;
For words are just tools we use to point to the Truth.
So He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, as the Word, living proof.
He is the image of the invisible God,
the first-born of all creation;
for by Him all things were created,
giving nothingness formation;
and by His Word, He sustains in the power of His name.
He is before all things, and over all things, He reigns.
Holy is His name, so praise Him for His life,
the way he persevered His strife;
the humble Son of God becoming the perfect sacrifice.

So praise Him for His death;
that He willingly stood in our place;
that He lovingly adored the grave;
that He battle our enemy,
and on the third day, rose in victory.
He is everything that was promised;
praise Him as the risen King;
lift your voice and sing,
for one day He will return for us,
and we will finally be united with our Savior for eternity.

It's not just words that I proclaim,
for my words point at the Word,
and the Word has a name.
Hope has a name.
Joy has a name.
Peace has a name.
Love has a name.
And that name is Jesus Christ-
praise His name,
Forever.

-poem can be heard in Kari Jobe's music video for her song, Forever.

1AM, words, and Jesus

I've had messy jumbles of thoughts that I have begun to type up then stopped because I didn't know what direction my words should go in next.

It's hard for me to say that I love to write and that writing comes naturally to me whenever I sit with my thumbs fiddling over my phone lost for words, not able to finish even a mere paragraph of what God has been teaching me. On this early morning, however, I think I've found words worth sharing. Or at the very least, I have some sort of a processed thought that, for my sake, needs typed up.

I read a post a while back on Tumblr and the phrase

"love is deliberate,"

stuck out to me.

{deliberate: done consciously and intentionally}

Love is deliberate.

A deliberate love, a love shown and felt so consciously and intentionally, is something the human heart craves. 

The only being my mind can attach to a love so deliberate is Jesus. 

Jesus deliberately came to live a life on earth amongst sinners who at times were starstruck with Him and at others, shouted hate towards Him at the top of their lungs and nailed Him to a tree. Jesus deliberately took on all of my sins so that I would be able to willingly choose to follow Him and love Him.

Jesus offers a love so deliberate that He not only allows, but welcomes vulnerability.

Vulnerability is something that has been tossed around in my mind a few times these past few months as well.

At youth one Sunday night back in February, the question, "What does Christianity enable us to do?" was asked. A sweet friend of mine answered, 

"Christianity enables us to be vulnerable."

{vulnerable: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded}

I think one of the thinks that makes the Christian faith stick out amongst others is grace, and while grace does unfortunately tend to get covered up with deeds in many modern churches, it is one of the most incredible parts of surrendering every part of your life into the scarred hands of Jesus.

Accepting grace goes against our very nature though. We, as humans, feel we have to pay our own debts and forget that good work over faith is not the way of our Savior. We get so caught up in trying to right our own wrongs that we often forget we serve a God who forgives, and abundantly so at that. Accepting grace is vulnerable and is only possible through the never ceasing, deliberate love of Jesus.

Jesus deliberately and fully loves me so much that He offers grace to even the least of these and openly welcomes vulnerability in His Kingdom. 

"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-- it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus." -Ephesians 2:4-7

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." -Ephesians 3:17-19

count yourselves blessed.

Matthew 5:1-12, The Message

even still

The past four months have been up and down, messy and wild for this Divine Romance.

I've struggled. Oh my heart, have I struggled.

I've doubted the goodness who is the Lord far too many times and begged for forgiveness an infinite amount of times over what I deserve yet Jesus loves me even still.

even still.

I've questioned God and all He is enough times for me and the next person and amazingly He doesn't get annoyed or 'shoo' me away. He is patient with my soul. He takes me by hand and whispers melodious tunes of grace in my little ears. His faithfulness appears all around me and directly in front of my unbelieving eyes. I ask for Him to prove Himself to me again and again and He gently wraps me up in His comforting arms and reminds me of time after time where He was with me. He is faithful and has never left me alone.

He is there, always.

He is in the moments of laughter and joy.

He is in the valleys of despair.

He is in the sleepless nights full of tears.

He is in the weeks full of busyness and anxiety.

He is in the heartbreaks and fear.

He is in my weary, doubtful heart.

He is here. ALWAYS.

He never leaves, and believe me, He easily could.

The Creator of wonders billions of miles away and all things glorious adores me enough to stick around and wipe away my tears. To pick me up and dust the sinner I am off. To continuously redeem my messy soul. He loves me even still.

Even through the piles of mistakes and mishaps.

Even through the jumbled up screams mixed with streams of salt water.

Even through my darkest moments and my deepest struggles.

Yes, He loves me even still.

It's hard to imagine an unconditional, never forsaking, love like Christ's in a society like ours, but it is real, and abundantly so at that.

"At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleaures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom He poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by His grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life." -Titus 3:3-7

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? ... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:35-39

Even still in the midst of my doubts and cries, His love endures forever.

winter.

I've never been too fond of the cold. I try, really I do, but I just can't bring myself to embrace below freezing temperatures in gigantic marshmellow coats. People always seem so thrilled for Winter; for the cold. I've never been able to figure it out. I don't like the cold. I can't, and I don't really want to.

I love Spring. Maybe it's just because I'm a May baby, but I believe there is more to it. I love the smell of flowers and trees beginning to revive themselves. I love the sound of birds chirping and singing melodious tunes. I love that God is so evident to me in the months of Spring.

Summer is splendid as well, though I'm not really a fanatic for the lack of clothing or the heat waves, I do enjoy the relaxation that comes along with Summer. The sound of kids outside laughing as they chase each other on bicycles reminds me of my own childhood. It's peaceful- Summer.

Autumn is just so breathtaking. The beauty behind nature shedding itself and ultimately dying is something I'll never understand, but I still love the months of harvest and being gently tapped on the head by a falling leave.

And winter? It's cold and harshly depresses me. 

There are no chirping birds, just annoying flies who somehow survived the first freeze. There are no flowers or colorful leaves. There is nothing. The tree branches are bare and it's hard to remember that nature will come alive again in a few short months. Since west Texas is my home, I have never even had much snow to look forward to.

I think that's part of my hatred. 

Spring has flowers.

Summer has warmth and sunshine.

Autumn has colorful flying leaves.

Winter is supposed to have snow, but not where I'm from.

My grandparents live in the mountains of New Mexico and I've always enjoyed visiting in the Winter months because everything is overflowed with snow and icicles. Mountaineers thoroughly enjoy all Winter has to offer because they receive the full effect of crystal white snow and smoke rising from chimneys.  Yes, I think I might not have such a problem with the cold if everything was a picture perfect wonderland. But, it's not such a happy carol for me.

I'm always cold. I didn't used to be, but now you'll almost always find me with a jacket on, snuggled under a blanket, or shivering in my room being heated by a portable heater. Also, the natural highlights of my hair fade in the Winter and while it might not seem like a big deal to you, it really does make me sad. Winter does not help any of this. And don't even get me started on how the sun sets at 6:00PM on a good night during these dark months. 

And then there's that stupid, stupid groundhog who comes out in February annually and I never could handle that day as a child. People make such a big deal about one critter's shadow and I was always utterly disappointed when the despicable creature declared more Winter. 

I don't know who decided Jesus was born in December, but I'm so glad they did because the cheer of the Christmas season is one of the only things that helps my soul stay warm throughout the cold months.

My relationship with The Lord seems to darken every Winter. The stress and frenziness of the season doesn't do any good for this little heart of mine. 

I say that half heartedly though. I know very well that Winter always seems to be the time of the year Jesus draws me towards Himself even in the midst of the chaos and tears. I learn so much about the deepest parts of myself during the season and God reveals so much more about His character and who He is to me during these frozen months. He is good. My dislike for how I may or may not feel during Winter makes no comparison to my appreciation and love for His never ceasing compassion and mercies. {James 5:11}

I'm so thankful for a God who created diverse seasons that appeal to different individuals of His people. I am grateful to have not only the physical season of Spring to look forward to, but also the Spring of life and joy and all things merry inside my heart, throughout my personal months of Winter. Jesus continuously lavishes all He is into my life and regardless of the sunshine or lack thereof, I will praise Him.

In the meadows of Spring, in the desperate valleys of Winter, and every season in between,

"I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth." 

-Psalm 57:9-11

May peace be with you in every season you encounter throughout your own walk of faith.

much love,

Sarah 

this I love.

Sometimes I get carried away and so caught up in discipline that I forget the simple joy found in just being known and loved by Christ.

I'll be the first to tell you that I have such a mixed-up, dusty, messy little soul. I'm so lost without Jesus. Today I am thankful to serve a God who knows all of my flaws, yet still chooses to call me His child.

"There is something amazing about someone you care about saying your name, it is truly empowering to know that they know you by your name... How much more to know that Christ, the cosmic king of glory, knows you by your name and calls you daily."

One of my favorite things about reading the gospels is seeing how Jesus related to people. He knew people from head to toe before He spoke one word yet He was still intentional. He knew those people and called them personally by name. Jesus invests in His children. He calls us by name & He knows us.

"But now that you know God—or rather are known by God..." -Galatians 4:9

I think it's such a precious thing to bow before a King who loves His children so much that He takes the time to know them. God takes the time to understand even the dustiest corners of our mixed-up souls. He takes the time to reignite the flame in each of our hearts. Jesus takes the time to call me by name daily. To pursue me & invest His unending love in my life. I love this. I love Him & all He is.

Jesus knows me, this I love...