I've never really been one to get my feelings hurt easily. Sure, I can get pretty flustered at times, but up until the past few months, there aren't a whole lot of memories I can recall of getting over-the-edge upset about another person's actions and words, or in some cases, the lack thereof.
As you can imagine, getting wound up over the silliest of situations for reasons I still cannot explain made matters worse and left me even more frustrated with myself and with God.
I'd like to tell you that I opened my Bible to a random page and the answer was there underlined in highlighter with a note jotted down off to the side and all, but it wasn't. So I just cried into my pillow a lot one morning at 2AM and then prayed a lot too. I prayed for the people that I felt I had been hurt by (which is a whole lot easier said than done, might I add), and I prayed for my own heart. I asked Jesus for peace and guidance on how to be Christlike and how to forgive through grace. After that, I kind of just tried to forget about my problems.
The thing is, Satan is real. And he is really good at making things seem worse than they are and cooking up things like "No one likes you anymore." or "You don't really have any friends and you can't really trust anyone." in my little mind and He's also pretty great at making those lies sound reasonable and believable. Needless to say, the problem didn't go away and hasn't gone away and probably won't ever really go away because no matter how much I would sometimes like to be, I am not in control of others' actions.
I am, however, in control of my own actions and decisions and how I choose to react in this situation makes all the difference.
The past few days, I have found myself reading through either different parables Jesus told or passages of Jesus doing some pretty cool things.
One thing I have realized is that Jesus was betrayed by one of the twelve men that was closest to Him during His time on Earth- Judas. What gets me is the fact that Jesus knew throughout the entire course of His ministry that Judas would end up selling Him over to be crucified, but He still chose Judas as a disciple and equally invested in and shared life with him.
I have also realized that so often in my own life, I am Judas. I walk around soaking up all Jesus has to offer and then I get a little weary and worn and become willing to hand my Savior over for a few pieces of silver. Yet He loves me even still. Jesus spends a great amount of time pouring into this Divine Romance and is faithful throughout all of my struggles and doubts; failures and triumphs. He loves me when I am awake at dreadful hours sobbing my eyes out over something so silly, but also something that has consumed my heart with pain. And when I feel as if I haven't a true friend in the world, Jesus is right there ready to listen, comfort, and forgive me for thinking I could make it on my own.
Because of Jesus's great faithfulness and the love He has so openly expressed in my life these past couple of months, I am able to choose forgiveness and grace. I am able to love those who have hurt me because He first loved me.
Today I choose to be real, raw, open, and vulnerable no matter what the backlash might be. Today I choose to be kind and gracious.
Today I choose to love.
I understand that all of this is a whole lot easier to type than it is to act on, but I'm praying that God will patiently teach me every day to be more like Him- slow to anger and abounding in love.
Oh, I've got a lot to learn, but I've got my messy life packed up and this little heart of mine is eager to be taught.
"You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."
-Matthew 5:38-42
My shoes are laced and tied up tight and today I choose to not just go the one mile, but the second as well.
"This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us."
-1 John 4:10-12
