what she could

Despite absence from the blogosphere, I wrote often throughout the past year. My college experience doesn't provide much time for reflection so I have found it extremely beneficial to try and write something short each day. A few minutes with a good pen and blank lines have turned into a journal full of defining moments I might not otherwise be able to recall.

Keeping a minimal account of my life in 2016 has enabled me to witness how I have changed and grown in such quick months. I can see small, seemingly insignificant changes in my handwriting and in the choice of pen and ink color. I have realized I've become quite particular in the pens I use for certain occasions. For instance, a fine point pen with a comfortable grip should absolutely be used for pleasure and the cheap pens are used for less important reasons, like academics. You may call me a pen snob, but it is clear evidence there is change within.

On a more noticeable scale, I can also see changes in my beliefs, dreams, and passions through the content of paragraphs I sloppily composed at then end of lengthy days. Journaling has allowed me to revisit thoughts, fears, favorite memories, and prayers that comprise an entire year of me.

The theme I hope an outsider's eyes would first pick up on is the freedom found in the evolution of my friend group at Hardin-Simmons University. The impact friendship has had on me is distinct when perusing through sentences I crafted. Second semester college returnees who hardly knew each other in January gradually transformed into a group of people who laugh A LOT around cafeteria and library tables, constantly teach and encourage me, celebrate birthdays and early holidays together, and have a casual Bible study weekly by the beginning of December. It has been so easy to find reason for thankfulness in conversation with God because of the friends He placed in my life. I have learned more about Jesus, myself, and community because of the people who I interact with most at HSU.

A grand portion of my entries were dedicated to my summer's tales. A prominent experience I will remember fondly for years to come was my stateside internship with iGo Global in the DFW metroplex this summer. Being a part of Jimmy (the collective name iGo interns go by) taught me something in every aspect of my life. I expectantly learned about mission mobilization, office work, and how to load a box truck, but I did not anticipate the full capacity of spiritual and personal growth I would encounter. I prayed for Jimmy during the months leading up to the summer, but I did not know my prayers (and the gracious prayers of others) would allow me to gain tremendous perspective on the importance of unity, four incredible friends, and a greater knowledge of how God works in unimaginable ways to make His name famous. It's a rare day when I don't think of how those nine weeks better shaped me as a servant, friend, and believer.

While I do not believe I could not have possibly known the extent of what God would do in my friendships and through Jimmy, I don't think I was ever stunned by the words I tangled together. I was  initially shocked to find myself writing a debate on whether or not to change my major in late August and I now love rereading how I felt after visiting several professors and officially changing my major. But even that isn't much of a surprise when I wrote about wanting to be an author, publisher, editor, or journalist back on January 2nd. {1.2.16: I want to be someone who tells stories and helps other people tell their own.} In retrospect, it seems like I had spent months prodding myself to study English even though I felt so confused about it at the beginning of the fall semester. Most of life isn't so surprising when you look back over your shoulder. Most of it makes sense because you have lived it.

I am still confused by much though. I was blindsided, and a bit insulted, to discover the sins I would allow to choke me. Sin seems to sneak up on a person. It never walks into the room following an applauding introduction--at least not in my life. I find sins are not abrupt in manner, but rather they are gradual and quite unnoticeable for what it truly is at the first handshake and polite smile. It seems sin often befriends me and makes me look good. Sin is only a struggle if it can make a convincing argument of what you have to gain from continuing.

Sparked by a healthy desire to do well in school, be a thoughtful friend, and ultimately be my best, I did not know it could be bad. I did not know it could cause me to spend countless hours in the early morning covering my pillow with tears. She complimented me at the first handshake and politician-like smile.

"Hard working."
"You really care about what you do."
"You work with excellence."
"I didn't ask anyone else because I knew you could handle it."

Affirming words will get me every time.

Perfectionism sure did fool me.
I didn't know striving for excellence could overflow into friendships and faith resulting in me feeling like I am not doing enough; like I am not enough.
Honestly, I did not know I was a perfectionist until the most recent weeks. Dear ole retrospect has assisted me in revealing how this came to be.

I remember desperately wanting to do well as Jimmy, and while this stemmed from a healthy place of wanting to serve God and iGo well, I often found myself hoping for Jimmy to be "impressive" and "liked" by staff and students. It's ridiculous, but it's engraved in my memory. I remember apologizing to my fellow Jimmy, Brittney, one day and her saying, "You don't need to be so hard on yourself." Or when Jack told me I said, "I'm sorry" too much, or the numerous times Reagan would tell me, "You're great!" when I clearly was worrying about the next task. At the time I didn't think I was hard on myself, apologized too much, or needed constant encouragement, but spoiler: I did.

I remember a lunch conversation about perfectionism with my friend Bryson one day in the fall. I had just presented a group project in a theology class and was noticeably upset because I thought it had gone terribly. Bryson told me it probably went way better than I thought because things always do. I laughed, dismissed his assurance, and unconfidently said, "I'm not a perfectionist." His quick reply? "Yes, you are. I knew it last year when I had New Testament with you." I shrugged it off. Whatever. Perfectionist? Not me.

I remember being achingly disappointed with myself in late October because I had been sure balancing all of my responsibilities with academics and friendships would be super simple, but it hardly was. I was frustrated I couldn't invest as much or do as well as my pre-semester goals stated and was quick to assume I needed to figure out a way to have more time to do better and love more. I compared myself to a version of who I wanted to be and was perturbed when the semester wasn't unfolding to be what I had wanted. Feeling like I was being an awful friend was weighing down everything else sitting at the top of the pity pile. I discouraged myself.

I don't believe perfectionism starts off as a sin, but it made the jump in my life when I started caring more about what people were thinking of the work I was doing and comparing myself to standards the gospel doesn't require of me. Perfectionism easily grows into legalism if it's not tamed. The recap of 2016 makes me sad I let an originally healthy desire to serve wholeheartedly as Jimmy take a poor dive into a desire to do everything exceptionally well--especially friendship.

Thankfully, God surrounded me with the most gracious human beings at school. Despite my lack of confession to being a perfectionist, my friends constantly encouraged me and loved me even when I couldn't make time to hang out or verbalized fears that I wasn't doing "good enough" in a position or class. They unknowingly taught me I don't have to do the best so long as I am doing what I can with what I have. {11.20.16: This semester has been so hectic and at times really discouraging (because perfectionism), but I am always so encouraged by and thankful for my friends.} Friendship is freedom when your friends are living representations of the gospel.

God used the precious time I had to ponder and reflect during Christmas break to remind me of grace.
While reading Mark one night, a short phrase in the story of a woman anointing Jesus with perfume emboldened itself.

The story found in Mark 14:3-9 introduces Jesus as he reclines at the table with Simon the Leper when a woman enters with a fancy jar full of expensive perfume which she breaks and pours on Jesus's head. Some of the people found this unacceptable and scolded her because it's a huge waste of money and would have been better spent helping the poor. Jesus defends the woman by explaining she has done a beautiful thing by preparing his body for his future burial and then says her deed will be told wherever the gospel is preached.

This story is a beautiful reminder of what the focus of our intentions should be. The first sentence of verse 8 is what broke me though.

"She did what she could."

This woman's act might seem minuscule to reader's over two millennia later, but at a closer look, it's anything but small. She used her nicest perfume to anoint the Savior of the world who would take the place of humanity on a cross a few days later. She gave what was within her ability. She probably wasn't a perfectionist, but knew she had a gift for the Lord. She did what she could.

It took me 24 paragraphs to get to my point because I needed the record to show future me the flaws that tag along with perfectionism and to be reminded of God's grace and faithfulness.

Oh, let it be evident in the journal entries sloppily written late at night in the years to come that
she did what she could.

_______________________________________

A prayer on Wednesday, January 11, 2017: 2AM

What is the standard I am holding myself to?

Perfection.
How did I let this take such a grip on my life?
Have I forgotten grace?
Have I ever even truly known grace?

I am overwhelmed with my fear of not being
"good enough."
Who am I?
Good enough for who?
Who do I have to impress?
Myself?

Myself.
Am I so worried of being a disappoint to young me?
A "If I'd only done that..." to elderly me?
Am I afraid of being a burden upon myself?

YES.
I am terrified.
I am frustrated.
I feel like I am mediocre at best in all aspects of my life.
I cry so much in the midnight, but trudge on smiling in the sunshine.
I am afraid I will be an occupational disaster.

YET,
He says, "Do not fear."
He says, "I am here."

I am so untrusting.
        so untrusting.
What will come of me?

He says, " Do not worry."
He courageously dies on a cross and says,
"Trust me."

Oh, good God of all creation,
How could you love me?
How does your grace even cover my refusal?
How powerful! How beautiful!

I am sorry.
I do not know how to have grace within.
Kill this perfectionism.
This disgustingly treacherous sin that keeps me in a pin.

How did I let this get in?
Forgive me.
I am sorry.
Help me-
trust Thee.

note to self

Dear Sarah,

You don't have much to complain about in life at the moment.
You catch yourself smiling all of the time and that makes your grin grow wider.

Classes seem easy. You like your professors and grades are high [and hopefully going to stay that way].

You love your new friends and can't believe you doubted any potential friendships a couple months ago. Goodness gracious, they make you laugh and I know how much you love being in a room immersed in laughter.

You love the genuine fervor of your new church and being a part of a beautiful community of people who love the Lord so deeply.

You are excited to get involved in YoungLife(s) and the other day were blown away to the point of tears because you are so in awe of what Jesus is doing and inviting you to be a part of.

You are abundantly grateful for your family back home because you have realized not everyone has kind, mega supportive parents [who send you Children's books and pray for you] and sisters who argue over washing dumb dishes, but scream laughter a minute later.

You have so much visible joy and you sleep easy at night.

God is so evident in answering prayers you've been praying for at least a year right now and you can't fathom His goodness.

But it won't always be that way and I think you know that.

Sometimes it's hard to be joyful, but I want to remind you of the "good times" because in retrospect, you wouldn't recognize [or appreciate] God's faithfulness presently without the bad mixed in too.

Keep studying hard. Keep investing in new friendships and loving people through Jesus. Be a faithful member of The Well and keep trying to get to know your church family. Be steadfast in YoungLife(s) and don't be discouraged when you find your heart weary. Keep being thankful for your family and friends back home [and tell them you love them dearly, regularly]. Strive to be joyful even when you cry yourself to sleep at night.

And keep trusting in the Lord [and obeying Him] because He is great and kind and oh so faithful even when you can't pinpoint His work- that is of utmost importance and remembrance.

//and here are some good pieces of scripture to keep wrapped around your heart:

"If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot disown Himself."
-2 Timothy 2:13

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
-1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

rooting for ya,
An old pal

an unpublished blog post

I don't know what happened. I can't pinpoint the trigger or the exact date, but I've changed.

One of my favorite things about myself for several years in the making has been my ability to love people and love them well. Getting to know people, building relationships, and sincerely loving people has come natural to me. I've always found sharing my heart openly and widely quite simple- whether that be in a conversation with a friend, during a small group Bible study, or through writing. But that's changed.

I've become scared. I'm scared to reveal my sins and struggles and joys with others. I overthink my comments and words. I tried to write a blog post the other day and I stopped half way through because I was afraid I wasn't making sense and my words weren't transparent enough.

I saved the post as a draft and noticed I'd done the same thing with another post back in June. My final Super Summer (a Christian leadership camp I've gone to the past six years) came to an end and Jesus had taught me so much about salvation in five short days. I wrote about God pricking at my heart when I wasn't genuinely excited for people coming to know Him as their Savior. I painted a picture explaining why salvation was worth being celebrated and how joyful I was to be so sweetly reminding of this truth. As I read back through the unpublished blog, I was moved by my own words. Then the paragraphs abruptly ended. My words stopped and I wish I could make the excuse of "I must have gotten busy or had to go somewhere and then forgot to finish it," but I clearly remember sitting in my room and sending the post to a draft because "No one cares about what happened at camp. This isn't worth writing and sharing," stained my mind.

I have become unwilling to be vulnerable with anyone other than Jesus Himself, and if I keep wrapping my heart up inside bubble wrap in a double sealed cardboard box marked "FRAGILE," with no address written on top, I will stop sharing my sins and struggles and joys even with Jesus, the one who saved me from myself.

I helped with FBC Idalou's Disciple Now this past weekend. I co-led sixteen high school freshmen girls with another girl who rocked at being a leader (I took lots of mental notes). She said all of the right things at the right time and I am positive I learned more from her than any of those precious 9th graders did. She was vulnerable. She shared experience and struggles during discussion. And I didn't.

When I got back to Abilene on Sunday afternoon and finished unpacking, I laid down on my dorm room mattress and was texting some friends about dinner plans. It sounds like such a silly problem, but I wanted to go with one group of girls and with the group I had actually been invited with. My thoughts became like a math equation and I haven't been in a math class for two years. I told myself I didn't think I could be friends with different groups because it would take too long to get to know so many people. I quickly decided taking longer and becoming friends with several people would be worth it later on. Then I thought about those dumb, old TAKS test questions that said something like:

"If Bob leaves his house at 5:00 going 5mph and lives ten miles away from school and Jill leaves her house at 5:15 going 10mph and lives five miles away from the school, who will get there first?"

Seriously. I began to compare loving people and building relationships with a formula.

"Loving people is not a math equation."

Jesus always pricks at my heart so gently, yet in a way I can't ignore, avoid, or make excuses.

I don't know when I started trying to love people with an agenda of making friends, but that's not how Jesus loves me. That's not how I am called to love others as a follower of Christ. If I have learned anything in these eighteen years about love, it's that loving people is simply being
vulnerable
and genuine
and intentional.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." -1 Corinthians 13:4-7

The love Jesus offers each of us is undeniably incredible.

One of my favorite stories of Jesus is found in Luke 7:36-50. I've believe I've shared this passage before in a post a few years ago, but it's so relevant to my heart again today.

"When one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. As she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.

When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, 'If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is -- that she is a sinner.' 

Jesus answered him, 'Simon, I have something to tell you.'

'Tell me, teacher,' he said.

Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?'

Simon replied, 'I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.'

'You have judged correctly,' Jesus said.

Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, 'Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven -- for she loved much. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.'

Jesus said to the woman, 'Your faith has saved you; go in peace.'"

I have read this short story so many times and I always learn something new. Today, I relate to the pharisee who can't completely grasp this love and forgiveness Jesus talks about, but I also relate to the sinful woman. I am so desperate to wash the feet of Jesus with my tears. I am so desperately in need of a Savior and a God who patiently teaches me how to love Him and His people well. 

And I am grateful for forgiveness when I forget to love people without an agenda and openly share life.

I don't think I can sleep on it one night and wake up more vulnerable and sincere, but I am praying for Jesus to help me be more like Him.

I don't want my days to add up to a life similar to an unpublished blog post. I want Jesus to mold my heart to mirror His. 

Above my bed hangs a sky blue canvas that reads "SHE LOVED MUCH" in red letters. I don't want that to just be a cute decoration I made on a summer afternoon. I want that to be an accurate description of me. 

Vulnerable, genuine, intentional, and exceptional at loving people because, thanks be to God, Jesus first loved me.

4.23.15

With a mere 36 days left until graduation, time is sparse. It seems my eyes are never wide enough due to lack of sleep and the rest of my life is rapidly being unravelled into this rush of chaos and confused emotions. 

I turn 18 in about a week. I'll be a legal adult who can vote for our nation's future leaders, buy sharpies, and probably do a whole lot of other things I don't know about and that's terrifying. I go to register for COLLEGE classes at Hardin-Simmons the day before my birthday. Did you catch that? College? Me? What? About 78.6% of the time I don't think I am ready. I can't even go through the drive-thru at the local bank without making a fool of myself, but I'm supposed to juggle college and adult-like things without my parents by my side in a few short months and if I'm not careful, the worry will eat me alive.

There is also the missing-people-factor. Since I moved forty miles down the road almost three years ago, missing friends has been one of my deepest struggles and to know I'm about to move off and miss even more people is, simply put, depressing. I know I'll make more (hopefully super kind, loving, and patient) friends in Abilene, but it seems that my life is turning out to be a never ending cycle of making friends, moving, missing old friends, making new friends, moving again, and missing even more old friends. I fear that my heart won't be able to handle loving and missing THAT many people THAT deeply all the time.

Needless to say, I am a living wreck who overthinks and worries a little too much. I'm scared to death of failure, not really in careers, but in my friendships and dreams. The past few months have been filled with many late nights wondering what's to come and how I'll handle it.

I can't handle it though. I get exhausted just thinking about a scholarship application and a concurrent sociology quiz that needs to be turned in. I can't even do senior year with grace and dignity alone so there is no way I can maintain good grades and build healthy friendships while living in a dorm on a lousy mattress without some help.

It's only fitting for the only genuine comfort and solid peace I have found this past semester to come from the Lord. Jesus is so good at calming my petty fears and patiently teaching me to trust Him.

It's neat to know the same guy who dined with tax collectors and healed the lame and blind is constantly sustaining me and showing me His faithfulness and abundance of love. He is a good God and I don't know what I would do in my future without Him present.

"Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." -Psalm 62:8

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings... Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

-Hebrews 10:22-23

I'm not sure what's ahead, and I still am not fully convinced I'm ready, but I'm confident in Christ and giddy for the growth and adventure to come.

(side note: If you've read this through, would you please pray for Jesus to continue to teach me to love people regardless of potential heartaches from hurt feelings or solely missing them. That would mean the world. Thank you!)

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

 -Romans 15:13

preparing for the second mile

I have been a bit of a mess the past couple of months. To cut the story short, one thing led to another, feelings got hurt, and I was left crying on my bedroom floor asking Jesus why He would let me feel so sad and empty when it came to my friendships.

I've never really been one to get my feelings hurt easily. Sure, I can get pretty flustered at times, but up until the past few months, there aren't a whole lot of memories I can recall of getting over-the-edge upset about another person's actions and words, or in some cases, the lack thereof.

As you can imagine, getting wound up over the silliest of situations for reasons I still cannot explain made matters worse and left me even more frustrated with myself and with God.

I'd like to tell you that I opened my Bible to a random page and the answer was there underlined in highlighter with a note jotted down off to the side and all, but it wasn't. So I just cried into my pillow a lot one morning at 2AM and then prayed a lot too. I prayed for the people that I felt I had been hurt by (which is a whole lot easier said than done, might I add), and I prayed for my own heart. I asked Jesus for peace and guidance on how to be Christlike and how to forgive through grace. After that, I kind of just tried to forget about my problems.

The thing is, Satan is real. And he is really good at making things seem worse than they are and cooking up things like "No one likes you anymore." or "You don't really have any friends and you can't really trust anyone." in my little mind and He's also pretty great at making those lies sound reasonable and believable. Needless to say, the problem didn't go away and hasn't gone away and probably won't ever really go away because no matter how much I would sometimes like to be, I am not in control of others' actions.

I am, however, in control of my own actions and decisions and how I choose to react in this situation makes all the difference. 

The past few days, I have found myself reading through either different parables Jesus told or passages of Jesus doing some pretty cool things.

One thing I have realized is that Jesus was betrayed by one of the twelve men that was closest to Him during His time on Earth- Judas. What gets me is the fact that Jesus knew throughout the entire course of His ministry that Judas would end up selling Him over to be crucified, but He still chose Judas as a disciple and equally invested in and shared life with him.

I have also realized that so often in my own life, I am Judas. I walk around soaking up all Jesus has to offer and then I get a little weary and worn and become willing to hand my Savior over for a few pieces of silver. Yet He loves me even still. Jesus spends a great amount of time pouring into this Divine Romance and is faithful throughout all of my struggles and doubts; failures and triumphs. He loves me when I am awake at dreadful hours sobbing my eyes out over something so silly, but also something that has consumed my heart with pain. And when I feel as if I haven't a true friend in the world, Jesus is right there ready to listen, comfort, and forgive me for thinking I could make it on my own.

Because of Jesus's great faithfulness and the love He has so openly expressed in my life these past couple of months, I am able to choose forgiveness and grace. I am able to love those who have hurt me because He first loved me. 

Today I choose to be real, raw, open, and vulnerable no matter what the backlash might be. Today I choose to be kind and gracious. 

Today I choose to love.

I understand that all of this is a whole lot easier to type than it is to act on, but I'm praying that God will patiently teach me every day to be more like Him- slow to anger and abounding in love. 

Oh, I've got a lot to learn, but I've got my messy life packed up and this little heart of mine is eager to be taught.

"You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." 

-Matthew 5:38-42

My shoes are laced and tied up tight and today I choose to not just go the one mile, but the second as well.

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us."

-1 John 4:10-12

come

I was reading John the other night and I came across a single word that stuck out so boldly that it caused me to stop and think and fall in love with Jesus all over again.

Starting in chapter 1, verse 35, the story about Jesus calling the first disciples to follow Him is told. Actually, two guys started walking behind Him and when Jesus saw them, He asked, "What do you want?" (v. 37-38) and they asked Him where He was staying. 

Verse 39 is, I believe, monumental in the disciples' lives and in anyone who chooses to surrender themselves to Christ.

Verse 39 is Jesus's response to their question of where He was going.

"'Come,' He replied, 'and you will see.'"

Jesus invites His disciples from conversation one to engage in this incredible adventure. He doesn't tell them much about what's to happen in the future, He just says, come and see.

In verse 43, we hear Jesus telling another disciple, Phillip, to "Follow me."

Phillip must have caught the "Jesus bug" right then and there because he went and found his friend, Nathaneal, and told him all about Jesus. Nathaneal asked Phillip if anything good could really come from all of this and so simply, in verse 46, Phillip tells his friend, "Come and see." So, of course, Nathaneal came. From the very beginning Jesus's invitation was exhilarating and His love was contagious.

After reading this, I looked up other passages in the gospels where Jesus said the word "come," and surprisingly enough, there are quite a few.

In Matthew 11:28, He tells all of the weary and burdened, all of the people seeking rest, to "Come to me."

In Matthew 14:29, He tells Peter to "Come" and walk on the water.

In Matthew 19:14 and Luke 18:16, He says to let the little children come to Him.

In Luke 19:5, He tells Zaccheaeus to climb down his sycamore tree and come with Him.

And one of my personal favorites:

After the resurrection, Jesus appears to some of His disciples who are fishing on a boat (the writer in me loves that He ends where He started) and after helping them catch tons and tons of fish, in John 21:12, He invites His friends to, "Come and have breakfast." Jesus delighted in spending time with people and loving on them even in the simpliest occasions such as having a meal.

Not even ten minutes before I started this post, I finished reading a book by a guy named Bob Goff. I've heard amazing things about "Love Does," for well over a year now but just hadn't gotten around to reading it. Now that I've read it, I'm thankful I didn't read it until this point in my life because I'm not sure that it would have affected me as greatly had I read it any earlier.

Basically the whole book is Bob sharing stories from his life and then relating them to our relationship with Jesus. The theme of his book is two simple words: Love does. He mentions more than once that when "love does," love does big.

To me, that's  what Jesus was, and is, all about. God loves His creation so much that number 1, He makes us in HIS image, and number 2, He invites us to engage in His love and come on His adventure. You see, Jesus doesn't just love people. He loves people BIG and He invites us to come and do the same.

One of the things we got to do at the Young Life camp in Nicaragua was walk through a labyrinth they built/planted on their property. The fact that it was dark and the leaders didn't tell us what we were doing made it all the more special and intimate. They said to come, so we grabbed a jacket and a flashlight and went. Once we walked to the opening of the labyrinth, a super sweet lady told us that this was the only labyrinth in Central America and they used it as a time of reflection for the campers. Before entering, we were given a Bible verse typed up on a piece of paper and told to read it at the end of the path. We also had our flashlights so as we began our walk one by one, we could see through the bushes that the labyrinth was getting brighter. At the end of the path was a cross and we found the interns playing music and worshipping. As you looked up into the sky it seemed like the stars had all come to the Nicaraguan sky to show off for us that night (and that's saying a lot being from west Texas). 

The next afternoon, I went back up the labyrinth alone, mainly to take pictures, but also just to spend some time alone with God.

As I was walking back to the cabins afterwords, I was overwhelmed by our God and His never-ending faithfulness. It's like Jesus whispered the greatest invitation into my ear, "You can be a part of ALL of my faithfulness ALL of the time. Come." How awesome is it to serve a God and better yet, be loved by a God who we can always depend on and never exaggerate.

There is a song called "The Cost" by Rend Collective. One part of the song says "I've counted up the cost. Oh, I've counted up the cost. Yes, I've counted up the cost, and You are worth it. Jesus, take my all. Take my everything. I've counted up the cost, and You're worth everything."

I counted up the cost on that walk back down to the cabin and God's faithfulness was enough evidence that this life He invites us to live, this life of love and adventure- no matter how heart-wrenching it can be at times, is so. worth. it. I told Jesus that I was His. Whatever He said to do, I'll do. Anything.

Wherever He said to go, I'll go. Anywhere.

Whenever He said to be, I'll be. Anytime.

Whatever, wherever, whenever.

Anything.

I think those words are something a lot of us say and talk about with fellow believers often, but saying them aloud in the middle of a dirt road at a camp that is dedicated to sharing God's love with the youth of a nation made it real and permanent for me. I don't just want to talk about following Jesus, I want to come with Him and do. 

This whole wholeheartedly-following-Jesus thing is kind of new to me and I've already messed up a bunch, but falling down and getting picked back up by the Creator of the world is something I'm learning to be okay with. As I told an incredible friend of mine a couple weeks ago in a parking spot at Sonic, I'm dead serious about this "following Jesus" thing and I'm dead serious about this "loving His people" thing.

I'm not sure what all of this means for my life and my future, but I do know whatever Jesus has in mind for me is way more exciting and thrilling than something my little brain could cook up. Jesus said "Come," and you better believe I'm coming.

tranquilo como camilo

   As we sat and ate dinner the first night in Nicaragua, Ann and Danny Sharpe (in charge of the La Finca Vida Joven/Young Life camp) were beginning to introduce us to the country and told us what our week would consist of. While conversing with Danny and some other team members, he simply and genuinely warned me, "Be careful. You might fall in love." I shrugged off his warning and carried on to the next topic.
   I'd had a hard time trusting that God actually even wanted me in Nicaragua in the first place. My grandparents had invited me to go on this mission trip with their church, FBC Cloudcroft, NM, and I had been excited for months, but I was also very skeptic of the week to come. I was the youngest person on the trip by several years and so afraid of being miserable the whole time. Boy, was I wrong. God never ceases to amaze me by how He brings our most joyful times out of what seemed to originally be the most uncomfortable situations.
   Maybe I should have been more careful and reserved, but I feel deep in love; a little bit more each day I was in Nicaragua.
   When I went to Spain last summer, my dear friend Kimberly wrote me a letter to read on the flight over and in that letter she said "Jump in with all you have! Don't be afraid to love the people there. It is so hard to leave, but it is completely worth it!" I found that piece of wisdom especially true about my new Nicaraguan (Nicas) friends.
   Throughout my week in Nicaragua, I fell in love. I fell in love with the green landscape. I fell in love with the food. I fell in love with the culture. But more than any of that, I fell in love with the people we were so fortunate to meet and serve our gracious God with.
   One of my favorite parts of the week was all of the conversations we were able to have. Whether those conversations be spoken in broken bits of English and Spanish or patiently translated through the camp interns, they were all such a blessing. Colossians 4:5-6 says, "Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." This verse in such a sweet example of every word shared amongst the NM work team and the Nicas. Being able to freely and openly share what Jesus has done in each of our own lives was such an encouraging thing to be a part of.
   Conversation consumed a large amount of time at our first work site. The first project a few of us worked on was helping some men dig out dirt where a water tank that will provide three days worth of water for the Vida Joven camp is being built. (The location of this tank is next to two other already operating water tanks.) One conversation that stuck out to me was when Jason (a 21-year-old Nica Young Life leader from León) asked Allison (a camp intern) and I what our most intimate experiences with God were. Jason shared that one of his was probably when he had his "20 minutes" at his first camp. Allison then explained to me that on the night the campers are told about Jesus and what He did for us on the Cross, they are told to go outside and spend twenty minutes alone with God. Those twenty minutes are when many kids give their life to Christ and each person remembers exactly where they were during that time. Allison then told us that one of the leaders she had met said his 20 minutes was spent on top of the first water tank that was built. She then shared her excitement in our work, because not only will the new tank provide good water for Vida Joven campers, but students are going to go up there and ultimately start a personal relationship with Jesus.
   Having that knowledge made everything we did throughout the week- from digging loads and loads of dirt to cutting down and hauling off banana trees- sacred and beyond worth it. What a blessing it was to work around the camp knowing that God would use everything we did to have an impact on campers and the future of Nicaragua as a whole.
   The greatest blessing though, was the friendships made with the Nicaraguan Christians we got to learn from and work with. Driving back to the hotel in Managua and the end of the week, I was reminded of Danny's warning. I became very aware of just how much this country and the people I encountered, had won my heart over and saying goodbye pretty much tore me into strips and pieces.
   All of that to say, Jesus is incredible. The way He loves His children knows no bounds or country borders or language barriers. His faithfulness and love are never ending and super contagious. My prayer is that we all open wide our hearts and throw away any fear of getting "dirty" or hurt and jump in with all we have because, oh my goodness, Jesus is so worth it.

"All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as it has been doing since the day you heard it and understood God's grace in all its truth." -Colossians 1:6

 I wish I could tell you more about one of the best weeks of my life, but I'll spare you unless you ask! I will, however, tell you a few other little things. The title of this post "tranquilo como camilo" is a phrase one of the workers taught me. It was translated as "chill like a chameleon" and I thought that was the coolest thing ever! I've since found out that camilo does not mean chameleon, but who cares! haha Also, the Young Life camp I worked at is attempting to become self-sustainable. So if you like good coffee (and by good, I mean even I, a non-coffee drinker, like it) and you'd like to help send a Nicaraguan teenager to camp you can visit www.beyondbeanscoffee.com One bag of coffee sends a kid to camp for a day!

with lots of gratitude and love,
Sarah